That feeling...

when you know you've pushed too far and still pushing hard, insisting for something to happen though you know it won't. Not now. Perhaps not ever.

But why attempt to begin a relationship with someone when it appears you don't have plans to continue it?

So again, I know the mistake's mine. I insisted on something I thought was right. I messed everything up. But is it that hard for you to address it, address me and tell me that I don't matter or that you don't care?


I realized, that after these past weeks, more than you telling me that you still want me to be your friend, even just as a friend (because honestly I value our friendship more than I value my attraction for you), what I want is for you to just tell me something. Anything. Sounds desperate? Not really. I just want a signal coming from you so I'd be able to... I don't know, move on? Or just forget I ever met you. But I know I won't. You are that best friend I've always wanted. That is, you were.

Lyin' here with you so close to me

It's hard to fight these feelings when it feels so hard to breathe

I'm caught up in this moment, caught up in your smile

And now I keep praying I could turn back time and go back. Go back. Go back. And wished I had held back. I would have been happier not knowing this feeling. But then, I was happy when I was with you.


Stupid one-sided feeling. Stupid wishes. Stupid dreams. Stupid me. I told you, happy-endings ain't for everyone, at least not for me.

Just a shot in the dark that you just might

Be the one I've been waiting for my whole life

So baby, I'm alright with just a kiss goodnight

More than a shot in the dark, I thought you'd be lighting my path in the dark. But you wouldn't.

And more than a kiss goodnight, all I wanted is for you not to say goodbye. But you did. 

No, I don't want to say goodnight (goodbye)

I know it's time to leave

But you'll be in my dreams

Tonight, tonight, tonight

Problems of a matchmaker

Okay, so I got these two friends.

Well, the guy's not really a "friend" but more like a likable person I know (since we're not exactly close).

Anyway, so my girl friend and I were there standing in line waiting to be let in inside le fair. And I saw my guy classmate in one of my classes this sem. So I greeted him.

I introduced them.

They shook hands.

http://edaconnections.files.wordpress.com/2011/02/business-people-shaking-hands.jpg

Personally, I thought it was sweet.

Like in the movies.

I thought they're gonna be my newest perfect match. (Hell yeah! I'm a matchmaker. A good one. It's just that good matchmakers aren't exactly good with their own love lives, or the lack of it. XD)

Anyway, so there I was, I've been dreaming of the day that I can introduce them to each other because it just makes a lot of sense (for me at least), and I was effin' happy when, by chance!, they met.

We spent the fair sorta together at the start. And spent another day sorta together again. It was fun. And the thing is I was really ecstatic. I thought she's gonna be able to forget her scumbag ex. Finally.

But... She told me, while I was waiting for my parents to come fetch me, that...

"I'm not interested."

Wah! Dreams destroyed.

And the sad thing is, I really think he's an awesome guy. For gosh sakes, he's a gamer and gamers are COOL people (my brudder is. Although I'm especially careful not to tell him that). He is also an introvert (like me and her, I guess that's why we sorta clicked together). He likes music (and not trash music!). He is sorta into anime (people who are into anime are awesome, right?!). He does not cringe when we talk about おたく　ふ女子 stuff (most guys I know, most especially my brudder dear, are especially sensitive to such topics). And he's nice. I think he's got a lot in common with her. But why is she not giving him the chance? Why?

Geez.

I hope he contacts me and asks me for help in pursuing her. I'd love him if he'd do just that. :D

P.S. And he's funny. The mud ice cream prank he did yesterday reminds me of my childhood and my childhood buddies. Do I like him? Fudge yeah. Who could not like such cool guy? But why doesn't she? Pfft. I knew it. Scumbag ex of hers. -____- Hehe.

B-kun, Oo Torete ako sayo. May reklamo?

So you're here in my mind.

Again. For the nth time.

Can I ask you to leave me? Even just for a teensy eensy weensy bit of moment? 'Cause I can't think straight. Thanks to you.

But don't worry dear. I'm not mad.

It's just that the knowledge of not being able to see you anymore. Or not knowing whether I'll ever see you and talk to you like before, well, it kills me. Okay, honestly? It makes me crazy.

But it's okay. I know I'll be okay. Soon. Hopefully.

The funny thing is that I wrote you a letter yesterday, a long one. But of course I know I'll never have the courage to actually send it to you. 'Cause, well, you might reject me. And I know that'll hurt like hell. Been there. Felt that.

Only, I know that this time, this time if I confess my feelings to you, and if you reject me (what am I saying I know you will, 'cause I know you only see me as a friend right?), when you reject me I know I'll be having a hard time trying to pick myself up.

Why? Because based from my past two heart aches, it's you who fits perfectly with the image I have of my dream boy. Well, not perfectly I see that now, because you're not staying.

The latest heart ache was two years ago. Occurred at the same time as my soul-searching mode in acads. It was a hell-like experience. Not because of him, my senpai crush, but more because of the lack of having someone to confide to regarding my decisions in life. Nonetheless, God saved me so here I am. (Why am I telling this to you? As if you're gonna find and read this no?)

I want you to know how much I actually like you

Maybe I'm telling this because I want you to know how much I actually like you, which is stupid since we've only known each other for a short period of time. A couple of months? Less even.

But have you ever felt that feeling that you've known someone for a long time already? That's the way I felt when I found you sitting beside me on the beach. I turned around to talk to our group mate and it's you I found sitting there. Why did you ever sit beside me? Why did you talk to me as if you and I are friends? We barely even talk the day before. Well, we held hands. I remember that.

that feeling that you've known someone for a long time already?

Haven't I warned you enough that I'm weird? That I'm an alien? And that I'm a hopeless Romantic? You should have listened. Then you might have spared my feelings. I know it's my fault for assuming too much but are you really blameless? Not that I'm blaming you really.

Forgive me.

For assuming. For falling for you.

And it so happens that you're the first actual guy I fell for after two years of building all those barriers and obstructions around me as to avoid, well, feeling like this. Actual because all the other guys I gushed on were celebs or characters in stories. I'm thinking I shouldn't have met you.

And you shouldn't have been like one of those characters I like. You should have known. But I'm not blaming you remember that.

And maybe I'm telling you all of this because I miss talking to you. There are still tons of things I wanted to tell you. But now you've left.

Remember that day too when you confided in me about your problems? I'm wondering why you did. It's not as if we're already close then. I mean, are you the kind of person who share his problem to random people? People you feel close to? People you trust? Person you like? (Oooppps.) Or am I really just the kind of person a lot of people feel easy to confide in? (I mean I'm my friends' counselor after all. A lot of people, even those I'm not close to, just feel easy around me hence they tell me their problems and actually listen to my advice.) Maybe that's just that no? And I'm just assuming a lot.

And now I'm feeling the pain for my stupidity. And wondering why I don't just tell you out loud what I feel. If only...

If you only knew how many times I wanted to cry out and ask for your hand to pull me up when we climbed that monstrous mountain. If you only knew how much I wanted to strangle a certain classmate because she's so pretty and my antennae is telling me (yes, I'm an alien right? I have an antennae that detects people's emotions. So there.) that she likes you and somehow you seem to like her back; and I can't compete with her because she's so pretty, and she's girly, while I'm this boyish kiddo who wears big clothes and who is small. (You always tease me that I'm poor little me. I'll admit that I miss you teasing me like that.) And if you only knew how much I wanted our picture taken together at the summit, but I didn't, for fear of being teased, for fear of you rejecting the idea, for fear of you finding out what I feel for you. I avoided talking much to you when we climbed that mountain. And I tried avoiding these feelings. Apparently, mahirap pala. Before I could avoid this kind of feeling, but I guess that was before I met you no?

If you only knew how much I wanted to hug when you were having the chills on the way home.

Before I could avoid this kind of feeling, but I guess that was before I met you no?

If you only knew that I wanted to volunteer myself in fulfilling your wish of a happy family.

Don't worry though, I won't force myself to you. That's why I'm writing this. That's why I'm repeatedly listening to Torete so I'll be reminded of my position in your life. Which is non-existent.

I told you that I find it hard to work on anything especially a story with a group right? I haven't been fully honest, because I wanted to add this:

But I'm willing to write a story about us with you. I'm willing to write and complete a story with you.

See how Torete I am about you?

I hope you'll stumble into this and read this. So that I'll know that I've successfully, for the first time, confessed to the first guy who I unashamedly written a lot of poems about.