So you're here in my mind.
Again. For the nth time.
Can I ask you to leave me? Even just for a teensy eensy weensy bit of moment? 'Cause I can't think straight. Thanks to you.
But don't worry dear. I'm not mad.
It's just that the knowledge of not being able to see you anymore. Or not knowing whether I'll ever see you and talk to you like before, well, it kills me. Okay, honestly? It makes me crazy.
But it's okay. I know I'll be okay. Soon. Hopefully.
The funny thing is that I wrote you a letter yesterday, a long one. But of course I know I'll never have the courage to actually send it to you. 'Cause, well, you might reject me. And I know that'll hurt like hell. Been there. Felt that.
Only, I know that this time, this time if I confess my feelings to you, and if you reject me (what am I saying I know you will, 'cause I know you only see me as a friend right?), when you reject me I know I'll be having a hard time trying to pick myself up.
Why? Because based from my past two heart aches, it's you who fits perfectly with the image I have of my dream boy. Well, not perfectly I see that now, because you're not staying.
The latest heart ache was two years ago. Occurred at the same time as my soul-searching mode in acads. It was a hell-like experience. Not because of him, my senpai crush, but more because of the lack of having someone to confide to regarding my decisions in life. Nonetheless, God saved me so here I am. (Why am I telling this to you? As if you're gonna find and read this no?)
I want you to know how much I actually like you
Maybe I'm telling this because I want you to know how much I actually like you, which is stupid since we've only known each other for a short period of time. A couple of months? Less even.
But have you ever felt that feeling that you've known someone for a long time already? That's the way I felt when I found you sitting beside me on the beach. I turned around to talk to our group mate and it's you I found sitting there. Why did you ever sit beside me? Why did you talk to me as if you and I are friends? We barely even talk the day before. Well, we held hands. I remember that.
that feeling that you've known someone for a long time already?
Haven't I warned you enough that I'm weird? That I'm an alien? And that I'm a hopeless Romantic? You should have listened. Then you might have spared my feelings. I know it's my fault for assuming too much but are you really blameless? Not that I'm blaming you really.
Forgive me.
For assuming. For falling for you.
And it so happens that you're the first actual guy I fell for after two years of building all those barriers and obstructions around me as to avoid, well, feeling like this. Actual because all the other guys I gushed on were celebs or characters in stories. I'm thinking I shouldn't have met you.
And you shouldn't have been like one of those characters I like. You should have known. But I'm not blaming you remember that.
And maybe I'm telling you all of this because I miss talking to you. There are still tons of things I wanted to tell you. But now you've left.
Remember that day too when you confided in me about your problems? I'm wondering why you did. It's not as if we're already close then. I mean, are you the kind of person who share his problem to random people? People you feel close to? People you trust? Person you like? (Oooppps.) Or am I really just the kind of person a lot of people feel easy to confide in? (I mean I'm my friends' counselor after all. A lot of people, even those I'm not close to, just feel easy around me hence they tell me their problems and actually listen to my advice.) Maybe that's just that no? And I'm just assuming a lot.
And now I'm feeling the pain for my stupidity. And wondering why I don't just tell you out loud what I feel. If only...
If you only knew how many times I wanted to cry out and ask for your hand to pull me up when we climbed that monstrous mountain. If you only knew how much I wanted to strangle a certain classmate because she's so pretty and my antennae is telling me (yes, I'm an alien right? I have an antennae that detects people's emotions. So there.) that she likes you and somehow you seem to like her back; and I can't compete with her because she's so pretty, and she's girly, while I'm this boyish kiddo who wears big clothes and who is small. (You always tease me that I'm poor little me. I'll admit that I miss you teasing me like that.) And if you only knew how much I wanted our picture taken together at the summit, but I didn't, for fear of being teased, for fear of you rejecting the idea, for fear of you finding out what I feel for you. I avoided talking much to you when we climbed that mountain. And I tried avoiding these feelings. Apparently, mahirap pala. Before I could avoid this kind of feeling, but I guess that was before I met you no?
If you only knew how much I wanted to hug when you were having the chills on the way home.
Before I could avoid this kind of feeling, but I guess that was before I met you no?
If you only knew that I wanted to volunteer myself in fulfilling your wish of a happy family.
Don't worry though, I won't force myself to you. That's why I'm writing this. That's why I'm repeatedly listening to Torete so I'll be reminded of my position in your life. Which is non-existent.
I told you that I find it hard to work on anything especially a story with a group right? I haven't been fully honest, because I wanted to add this:
But I'm willing to write a story about us with you. I'm willing to write and complete a story with you.
See how Torete I am about you?
I hope you'll stumble into this and read this. So that I'll know that I've successfully, for the first time, confessed to the first guy who I unashamedly written a lot of poems about.
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