Last night, now, and for the rest of my life

I'm reviving this blog page because who cares. No one reads this anyway. 😂😂😂


The following is something I wrote at work on December 13, 2015, after December 12's emo moments. After which, I posted it on Facebook for personal reassurance. I mean, I might forget how I actually moved on from my first love. Finally. 😂


Last night, I said that I'm over him. Now, I remember this was the day when I realized that I like him. A lot. Last night, I said I might think about him again, some days where I would convince myself again that I'm still in love with him. Now, I can't help but get my heart a little bit broken again. Last night, I logically thought about how I finaly have moved on. Now, I agree with myself.


I will still have those days when I would stare at nothingness and think how comfortable it would be if I have him by my side. But who am I kidding? I'm me. I wouldn't sit down for anything. Or so I think.


Yesterday, I saw the picture of someone I had a huge crush on when I was in high school. He looks so comfortable, so mature, so - made. It's like he has goals in mind and he's at ease with life, and then I realized that I'm glad he never really noticed me. He did, yes. As a friend. A close one if you could consider it that. He was nice and friendly to me. He was really a good writer and I just knew I really like him when I got to know him better. That's me - liking people based on their ability to talk about what I consider to be important things in life. I've always randomly thought about him every time I see his posts appearing on my feed, wondering what would have happened to me had I been lucky then to have him, and I realized I would have felt more confused and sad and alone than I am now. I wouldn't want to be with a person who is not as confused about life as I am. That I now have fully accepted. That no matter the stability that kind of life offers, I would get suffocated with someone so complete and made. I'm incomplete and unmade. Would I be complete and made if I were with him? I don't really think so or if I were, I would probably feel that that's not the life I should be living, that this life now is what I needed to experience and live so I can be on my way to completing myself and finding who I really am. Probably. But I'm betting on that probability.


Existentialist thoughts, maybe? Excuses for failing? For being afraid of failing? For failing still anyway? Who knows? But I'm comfortable in my skin. I'm me.


A few weeks ago, or was that many days ago, I thought about how if the person I first fell in love with would just come back and asked me to be with him and how I would just drop everything and go to him and live the simple life he told me he has wanted. And I realized that it's the simplicity of him that made me fall. I'm not a grandiose person nor am I a risk taker. (I'm afraid of failing most of the time and still fail myself anyway.) And I liked that about him and I found myself falling, have fallen - crashed and burned. Not that he burned me mind you, I let myself fall even if he never showed any intention to catch me. He might be just being friendly. And was extra amused with probably the weirdest person he's ever met (that's my adjective: weird). Unfortunately, that doesn't translate to love (or if it does, I didn't have time by my side, but, really who knows). And end of story is me getting burned. And coming out too cynical - and I was already mite sardonic prior.


Last night, I thought about it again, about how I'd swore to leave everything behind if it means being with him and - it doesn't seem like a viable option. Not last night. It was a risk. Why should I throw "me" away for a person no matter how important that person is, no matter if that was the first and only person (aside from my family and close friends - sometimes, not even them) that I have really loved, more than myself even - I mean really, why should I? Don't I love me just as much? I realized, yes I do. I love myself now. I'm still myself's greatest enemy (and hater really) but I am also my best friend and companion. It's sad if you think about it but it's great too. At least, only me can fail me. And I don't feel that much hurt when I think about him now. The most important person for me then. The most special, more special than Jackie Chan even - then. Now? Jackie Chan is definitely taking first place in my heart. Or, really, it's my place. (And God, but I've always thought of God as an all rounder entity so he's taking all places or, you know, he's unrankable as well.)


And I realized, I've really moved on - after four years, I'm done. I'm free. Last night, I thought about finding myself for real this time. Now, I still agree. And for the rest of my life, I will still fully agree. I may have lapses in my thoughts and ideas, I might mislead myself (anyway, I wouldn't be me if I'm not going to do that), I might act stupidly if I fall in love with a person again (hopefully that person wouldn't reciprocate the "love" so I'll be safe from actually doing anything stupid), I might get afraid again (always am), but I'll still go back to last night and today and think about how I've decided that this is it - no more them, just me.


Update: Yep, same feeling as that day. I will prolly still feel like I love him if I see him in the future. But I'm sure there's no heavy crying that will occur. 😂