Last night, now, and for the rest of my life

I'm reviving this blog page because who cares. No one reads this anyway. 😂😂😂


The following is something I wrote at work on December 13, 2015, after December 12's emo moments. After which, I posted it on Facebook for personal reassurance. I mean, I might forget how I actually moved on from my first love. Finally. 😂


Last night, I said that I'm over him. Now, I remember this was the day when I realized that I like him. A lot. Last night, I said I might think about him again, some days where I would convince myself again that I'm still in love with him. Now, I can't help but get my heart a little bit broken again. Last night, I logically thought about how I finaly have moved on. Now, I agree with myself.


I will still have those days when I would stare at nothingness and think how comfortable it would be if I have him by my side. But who am I kidding? I'm me. I wouldn't sit down for anything. Or so I think.


Yesterday, I saw the picture of someone I had a huge crush on when I was in high school. He looks so comfortable, so mature, so - made. It's like he has goals in mind and he's at ease with life, and then I realized that I'm glad he never really noticed me. He did, yes. As a friend. A close one if you could consider it that. He was nice and friendly to me. He was really a good writer and I just knew I really like him when I got to know him better. That's me - liking people based on their ability to talk about what I consider to be important things in life. I've always randomly thought about him every time I see his posts appearing on my feed, wondering what would have happened to me had I been lucky then to have him, and I realized I would have felt more confused and sad and alone than I am now. I wouldn't want to be with a person who is not as confused about life as I am. That I now have fully accepted. That no matter the stability that kind of life offers, I would get suffocated with someone so complete and made. I'm incomplete and unmade. Would I be complete and made if I were with him? I don't really think so or if I were, I would probably feel that that's not the life I should be living, that this life now is what I needed to experience and live so I can be on my way to completing myself and finding who I really am. Probably. But I'm betting on that probability.


Existentialist thoughts, maybe? Excuses for failing? For being afraid of failing? For failing still anyway? Who knows? But I'm comfortable in my skin. I'm me.


A few weeks ago, or was that many days ago, I thought about how if the person I first fell in love with would just come back and asked me to be with him and how I would just drop everything and go to him and live the simple life he told me he has wanted. And I realized that it's the simplicity of him that made me fall. I'm not a grandiose person nor am I a risk taker. (I'm afraid of failing most of the time and still fail myself anyway.) And I liked that about him and I found myself falling, have fallen - crashed and burned. Not that he burned me mind you, I let myself fall even if he never showed any intention to catch me. He might be just being friendly. And was extra amused with probably the weirdest person he's ever met (that's my adjective: weird). Unfortunately, that doesn't translate to love (or if it does, I didn't have time by my side, but, really who knows). And end of story is me getting burned. And coming out too cynical - and I was already mite sardonic prior.


Last night, I thought about it again, about how I'd swore to leave everything behind if it means being with him and - it doesn't seem like a viable option. Not last night. It was a risk. Why should I throw "me" away for a person no matter how important that person is, no matter if that was the first and only person (aside from my family and close friends - sometimes, not even them) that I have really loved, more than myself even - I mean really, why should I? Don't I love me just as much? I realized, yes I do. I love myself now. I'm still myself's greatest enemy (and hater really) but I am also my best friend and companion. It's sad if you think about it but it's great too. At least, only me can fail me. And I don't feel that much hurt when I think about him now. The most important person for me then. The most special, more special than Jackie Chan even - then. Now? Jackie Chan is definitely taking first place in my heart. Or, really, it's my place. (And God, but I've always thought of God as an all rounder entity so he's taking all places or, you know, he's unrankable as well.)


And I realized, I've really moved on - after four years, I'm done. I'm free. Last night, I thought about finding myself for real this time. Now, I still agree. And for the rest of my life, I will still fully agree. I may have lapses in my thoughts and ideas, I might mislead myself (anyway, I wouldn't be me if I'm not going to do that), I might act stupidly if I fall in love with a person again (hopefully that person wouldn't reciprocate the "love" so I'll be safe from actually doing anything stupid), I might get afraid again (always am), but I'll still go back to last night and today and think about how I've decided that this is it - no more them, just me.


Update: Yep, same feeling as that day. I will prolly still feel like I love him if I see him in the future. But I'm sure there's no heavy crying that will occur. 😂

My Love from The Past (or Real Love is Apparently Unreal)

Maybe it's time I start accepting reality and stop believing that True Love exists.

One by one, the couples I've considered blessed enough to have experienced True Love are starting to break up with each other, forget each other, and go on their separate ways. I listen to them talk about their reasons and it pains me to hear them say that they have forgotten the feeling of being in love with that person, of wanting to grow old together, of wanting to spend every moment together. I wanted them to feel despair yet I don't see that in their eyes nor hear it in their words. Frankly, I seem to be more disheartened by the turn of events. I felt ridiculed and ridiculous.

I don't believe in it because I want to experience it for myself. Rather, as disillusioned as I was of it happening to me, I felt happy that other people get to experience its magic despite the sad reality of... well, reality. I was contented and happy for them. I wasn't wishing for anyting more. It was enough for me to see True Love envelope other people. So why did it have to show me its hideous side? It seems that love, like life, is as unfair and evil.

There was once a person who asked me what I think Heaven is like. I told him that as far as I've heard and read about it, it's a gold-paved place, where everyone is happy and contented. He replied that he hoped it was a place where you can be together forever with the person you love the most and spend eternity in an everlasting happiness. I smiled, I wanted to tell him that I wanted it to be the same way, I didn't. Instead, I contested his belief and told him that people in Heaven should not feel any emotions, for it is emotions that makes this world ugly. I waited for him to tell me otherwise. He didn't. He agreed with me.

I laughed darkly. He said that he still hopes Heaven is a place where love should exist regardless of me appearing to be right. I felt happy. That time I thought that as long as people like him exists, the world would be a better place. (I hope that he is still the same person he was 2 years ago.)

As I watch couples around me fall apart left and right, I found myself praying for him to magically appear in front of me and make me believe again. I found myself crying and hoping to see him again. I wanted to hold onto the feeling of love that I felt when I am with him. Unrequited it maybe, but it was the only love I know that remains to be real. At least I am sure of my own feelings. And I hoped he stayed the same. (Hah, maybe my feelings aren't as genuine as they seem to me.) I still fervently hope that my love is real though.

Note: These are my thoughts after watching "My Love from Another Star". I just feel sad though not terribly sad, more like sad empty and I had to get it out of my system. I miss that person.

Goals and writing

After finally watching Bungaku Shoujo The Movie, I envied Konoha-kun for having a muse to dedicate his written works to. I realized I don't have one. I then asked myself why am I writing? And I answered because I wanted to be able to create that character that a reader would want to have in their lives. A character that you would die crying for like Coffey. A character that you would have wanted to love you like Jensen. And a lot of other characters that would touch your life. I wouldn't aim as big as wanting to be able to change someone's life through my written works, I'd actually be contented with being able to be a part of someone's life. A one hour perhaps that was given to a story I had written. It will be more than enough for me. Then suddenly, I had an epiphany.

I remembered that there was a time in my life that I had stopped writing. A time when I had lost my dream. And a time when someone gave that dream back to me.

Only he didn't know it. And he probably never will.

And now it's posing as a great problem for me.

How will I ever let that someone who gave my dream back to me know what he did? And how will I be able to thank him?

Update:
I won't be able to thank him, I didn't even finish this. And was just updating today (16.04.17) because I feel like reviving this for personal reasons. Haha.

But seriously. I may notbe able to thank him in real life, but thank you anyway for being my muse back then. I'm currently on the lookout for another muse because I've moved on from you haha (see other post lol), and to anyone who might stumble on this post (no one would 😂, which means I'm free and forever alone), you can volunteer as tribut my commenting. I might see it you know. Peace out.

P.S.I just feel like writing so...

Kuragehime coincides with my fantasies (some of them at least)

First, I don't believe in coincidences...but I do believe in fate...as in things happening because they mean something and also because they are destined to happen because...because of something definitely...something...

Confusing huh? Well, typical. I always am confusing or so humans say.

The thing is, there's this anime I only found out about a few weeks ago perhaps a couple of weeks ago and I was totally gut hooked (uhm too much doncha think?), or just hooked, since this certain anime is about a jellyfish geek shoujo who lives with other geeks, or as Kuranosuke-san calls them NEETs, in Amamizu-kan, who works as part-time illustrators of BL manga. (Hehe. :3)

 

The title? Kuragehime or literally Princess Jellyfish. (see up there! ^ )

Now the shocking addicting coincidence here is that I have this little thing with jellyfishes too. Okay not so little...but then I'm not as addicted as Tsukimi (the heroine) is, still it's just love to find a character who's gaga over jellyfishes. <3

Here is a snap of the girls in Amamizu-kan. :3

Starting from left is Banba (a train geek), Mayaya (Three Kingdoms geek), Tsukimi (jellyfish geek), Kuranosuke (aka Kurako, a crossdresser,, he's a damn hot guy!!!), Jiji (ojiisan geek), and Chieko (traditional Japan geek)

The reason for Tsukimi's addiction to jellyfishes is also a lot more dense than my own too. She's into them because her mother is into them, her mother is the one who made her see the beauty of jellyfishes while mine just stems out of my nickname, Tikya, which sounds like Dikya and which is jellyfish in Filipino, and so since then I'd grown attached to jellyfishes and realized their intense beauty. Yep! Tsukimi's okaasan is right, jellyfishes do resemble pretty dresses. Dresses neither Tsukimi nor I would ever wear maybe because we both acknowledge we won't really look good in them, but then she does look good in them, great-looking even. (P.S. Jellyfishes are amazingly kawaii too! X3)

 Yep! It's her on the right. Kirei da ne? Aaand Kuranosuke mo. Waaah! He's prettier than I'll ever be. *gloomy* Demo, pretty is pretty and love. Hehe. :3

Kawaaaaaaiiiiiiii deshou ne? ;D (got it here: http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/c/cd/Stingless_jellyfish.jpg)

And alsoTsukimi's name, written in Kanji is composed of moon (月) and sea (海) thus Tsukimi = 月海. Now jellyfish in Japanese is Kurage, written in Kanji it's 海月. See? You just switch the position of her name and you get jellyfish. Cool and cute ne? ne? Just like Tikya. Hohohohoh~ X3

Jellyfish aside, another thing I like about her, or the series is that in the first episode they showed her resembling Heidi and I, a kid who has been wishing since time immemorial to be Heidi, was just totally squealing with GLEE!!! It was just LOVE!!! And then I found myself already in love with the series and with her. :3

Heidi's life is my dream life except for the little addition that I want a library on top of the mountains filled with interesting books (which means a LOT of books, include the annually newly released ones please) and with a computer with unlimited storage and unlimited speed internet. And also a humungous fridge stacked with sweets (chocolates of course! though I wouldn't mind other sweets too) and chicken, fried if possible. And that is my definition of utter perpetual happiness. *__________*

(Although if I have to choose one...then the library would be the ultimate choice...no questions! :D)

 (P.S. Heidi's ojjichan too is a major factor. I want to have my own kind, lovable lolo. *sigh*)

(And now that I think about it, isn't Clara the blonde haired, handicapped girl? Ooooh kanojo ga suki da!)

Now going back to Kuragehime, the story too is heart-beat inducing. Almost every episode I had this weird urge to giggle and sigh repeatedly. (Well, not much of a feat since I am a weirdo romantic. Hehe. XD) Still the story is in itself exciting though kinda typical with rom-com shoujo genre anime. I mean,, imagine a crossdressing shounen and a megane shounen both having the hots for you?! Maa, maa...is that something to simply overlook?!?!?! X3

Haaawt!!! :P

BTW, this is him or rather he's sorta alter ego, Kurako-chaaan!

Serious-ly sexy~ ;D

And they're brothers! Can this get any better? Weeeh~ :3

Although unfortunately we get to meet a bitch too. A bitch who attempts to destroy Amamizu-kan and a bitch who is clingy to my megane shounen (Heh!), however the way their story was told is on it's own exciting and promising too. So I guess better chances for lovable Kuranosuke huh? ^_^V (Esp. since Tsukimi seems to be more into Shu (megane shounen) than Kuranosuke, or so she thinks. Hihihihih~ *___*)


And regarding bitchy-san, okay fine, Inari san and Shu-san, the part where Shu slapped her and hit her is just hilarious. Define switched roles. Haha! Anyway their roles are switched from the start, virgin Shu and Male christen-er Inari. Wahahaha!!! >XD

So I might be a bit of an esu-emu. X3

Adorable, really~ *insert super fangirl squeal here*

Meanwhile, Kuranosuke and Tsukimi's relationship borders more on it being kilig or twitterpated than outright, actual flirting like Shu and Inari's. Nonetheless, it's more promising that way, especially for a romantic. Kyaaa! :3

Some kilig clips here:

I died and went to heaven. X3

Just...just sweet. *sigh*

Both scenes though are totemo henteko (weird), since he's girlish in those kilig scenes, first clip he's wearing make-up so looks more like an okama-sama than a straight shounen, seond clip is out-rightly giving off a yuri-vibe. Hehe. X3


On the other hand, it's till cute, You just feel how much he likes her although he definitely does NOT understand it. Hah!

There, there... That is his lovely reaction right after he attempted to kiss Tsukimi on some weird impulse (his words not mine. :P). Hysterical. Poor, poor Kuranosuke. He has no idea the love bug bit him. Hard! Hohohohoh~ X3


Sore jaa... See why I fell hard for this series? Anyway, I do hope they make/release a second season soooon because this series is already some kind of drug to me. Hehe.


And, I guess I have to say that one reason why I lurve Arakwa Under the Bridge is because of the constant appearances of jellyfishes in the anime. Aside from the alien thing, I mean.


So there... Till next anime!!! Yaaaaahaaaaa!!! (Anyhoo, off to the manga muna.)


(And since when did I start blogging about anime? XD I used to just brood about them at the back of my mind, most especially when loopholes are in existence. That's anime and films and dramas alike.)


BTW, Kuragehime Wiki-link: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Princess_Jellyfish

Mata atode! Jaa!!! ^_^V *soldier salute*


P.S. Higashimura-san, make a season 2 puh-leeze?

Puh-leeze? :3

Gosick and Dantalian no Shoka (and me)

First allow me to say: Gosick is more freaking awesome!!! However, Dantalain no Shoka is also freaking good on its own.

Anyway, the point is just that DnS appears to be very much like G especially in terms of characters, I mean doesn't Dalian reminds you a lot of tsundere Victorique, that cute little girl who also happens to be a wise-ass not to mention an actual genius (and who also LOVES sweets a lot)? While Huey is like Kujo what with his huge patience with Dalian, and Camilla may not exactly be like Avril but then there are similarities...

Anyway, the general plot line is a lot similar. The two main characters, the hero and the heroine, almost always find themselves in certain cases that they are bound to fix and solve, only they do it in different ways: Victorique and Kujo are on detective modes while Dalian and Huey are like guardians of Phantom Books.

Also in both stories, the relationship between the two characters seems to develop awfully fast but I guess it must be due to the limited anime epi. time or something, but then to be honest, it doesn't really matter and the heck, I love it. Heh. :))

Anyhoo, Gosick's mysteries are a bit easy, especially the earlier ones (I must've seen too much of Detective Conan, I think, I mean since I'm saying that) though the drama part is just LOVE~ <3 ! I mean, I just cried during the battle scene of Cordelia and Victorique's father, what's-his-name. And cried again and again and again during the last few episodes, mainly episode 20-24. And dude, I cried and cried because of this line which is just too much for a stupid romantic-weirdo like me:

"No matter how the world changes, we'll never be separated again." - Victorique and Kujo

(How much of a crybaby will I get really? I mean it's been months(!!!) since I've watched it but the line and the memory of the story still manages to cause my eyes to get teary and all. -____-)

Dantalian no Shoka on the other hand, is just as lovely although it bothers me a lot that there are certain things not clearly explained. (Maybe there will be a second season. I hope.) Such as the white biblioprincess and the patch-eye one too and their Keykeepers. I especially hate the fact that they didn't elaborate much on the Libricide Officer (Hal right?) since he's kakkoii(!!!) not to mention HOT, totally.

(ne? ne? ne? :3)

Also, they didn't bother much to explain about the other Dalian, the pink-haired one, and it just pains me to think that it's with her that Huey is totally into, I mean sure they must be the same person or library or whatever but the thing is that part is ALL muddled, it's confusing. And also have I mentioned painful? Yes painful. Poor purple-haired Dalian. I like her better kasi, so there. :P

---

On the other hand, the other thing I love about both these stories is that I could relate with the two heroines, being hikikomori myself, and also being a book lover too, who'd rather spend her time surrounded by her beloved books, locked up in my room than socializing with humans (I mean it's just too much hard work to talk and introduce yourself to everyone you know, and then they almost always end up not understanding you neither your world.). And if given the chance, I'd pounce eagerly on said chance to live in Victorique's library surrounded by all those beautiful and I bet waaay interesting books. Heaven. =^_^=

Also, this clip in DnS epi.5, just breaks me down and makes me cry (again *sigh*) because it's too sweet and impossible. Heh. But still sweet.

Sweet right?

But then impossible, since no sane person would really bother "saving" the hikikomori bookworm from her perpetual alone-ness, be it self-imposed or not. (Well, prolly there is, just not anyone I know, so yeah, I'll remain forever alone, not that I mind, much.)

And pink-haired Dalian is right by the way, with her saying that the books certainly makes her feel all those feelings you experience in actuality. It's true, I mean, it's just the same. You feel the same things and much more because your imagination fuels your mind and before you know it you've experienced just the same maybe even much more than those who experienced those things in actuality. The power of books and imagination. The very reason why I fell in love with books and why I'll prolly never fall out of love.

---

Now going back to Gosick and Dantalian no Shoka, ALL I'm saying is that they're both great and have their own distinct qualities that definitely makes them stand out, and similarities which I guess are common especially since it's anime, so the stereotypes. But then Gosick is better because of the overall storyline which killed my poor little heart, while Dantalian no Shoka shows great promise of a good anime so a second season should be made already, like right NOW! ;3 And yeah, I prolly have to read the manga to quench my thirst...

A book-vampire. Heh. Or alien. Vampire alien? Whatever. :))

My Arakawa Under The Bridge Episode 200 realization

Uhm, so... is Arakawa Under The Bridge just Ko(aka Ric)'s dream? An elaborate fantasy borne out of his boredom from his "perfect" life, such that watching the circus presentation played out by it's fantastic set of casts, he was sucked into the said elaborate dream? Oh man. Bad Season 2. Makes me sad. -_________- Could be I'm just reading a lot out of the last episode...b-but...but...anything is possible. I hate episode 200.

I mean, why have episode 200: Applause for you, the ending episode end in such way? Why not just allow the perfectly happy ending presented by episode 199? Why???

Now I'm sad. Waaay sad. As you can see, I'm not exactly fond of such endings where I could glean a lot of twisted ideas, mostly masochistic, just to, well, hurt myself, I mean emotionally not physically.

It's just like Pan's Labyrinth, where I get to question the lead character(the little girl)'s perception on reality and the blurring lines of the fantastic world she had encountered or perhaps created, you know, in order to escape the grim reality she had been led to live in.

Geez. Reality sucks big time huh? The movie Inception too gave me that idea where I think in actuality it was Dom who remained trap in his own version of reality, meaning it must be that his wife is right or he was not really able to escape that dream-in-a-dream-in-a-dream world (you get the gist if you've seen the movie), hence in order to cope with it he just created a world in that dream in which he was trapped, and prolly will remain trapped for the rest of his life, and made it a place where he could live happily ever after with his kids. Back in his "safety" zone.

Crap. So where does that leave poor me? Poor, poor me? The me who can't stay put in the world of reality where pain exists in all corners, stalking me, waiting for the right time to prey on me and inflict pain, pain, pain... The me who is always seeking protection from my made-up dreams of a different world. Where does that leave me? I really hope I could escape too. Well, after all an alien could escape, right? I mean, I just have to find my spaceship right? In order to escape earth and all the hideous monsters (or humans) who plans to eliminate me and all. Right? Right. Yep, resolution resolved, I'm going to escape someday. Someday.

 Meanwhile, I'll just wallow in self-pity. As I wait for that spaceship to come pick me up.

http://metanorn.net/wp-content/uploads/2010/12/nino2-600x747.jpg

I should be hanged

Ohmigod. As in seriously Ohmigod.

I should be hanged. Or worse bitch slapped. Like someone should totally come up to me in public, brandish their steely palms and hit me with it in my cheeks!!!

I totally deserve that.

Why?

Well, because here I am still mooning over my crush who chose to friendzone me after I painfully carved my chest in order to show him my heart who beats his name (okay, fine. I just texted him that I like him, but still!!!), and how I sometimes go over the memories we shared together with me getting all teary-eyed especially when listening to a song (Lady Antebellum's Owned the Night is just AWESOME, 'nuff said) and then when I get real sad, as in REAL sad, I sorta blame him on how he sorta led me on, when it hit me (real hard may I say?) that perhaps the reason why he rejected me (and showing it by not even texting back 'hey I think of you just a friend' or whatever, anyway) is that he is actually totally in love with someone and they have this great relationship going on!!! (or, since well he's single I think that's what he said, he's totally also having a one-sided love going on with someone and that he really, really likes her. But fudge, this kind-of scenario reminds me of something that I don't wanna remember so I won't). And here I am trying to think of ways to make him mine (HAHA! just you know dreaming things up on how I'd show him my greatness, like hell yeah) or at least show him that it's his loss not mine (and this is what you get for reading too much romance novels, I know but they [romance novels] offer a kind-of escape from this world you know? Only geez, don't get me started on Twilight. I hate it. I'm more of a Cabot girl, and okay sometimes Nora Roberts and of course Nicholas Sparks! :D) or well just you know, things that would make me feel better. Anyway, as I was saying, I was moping around like that when I realize what a bitch I am (although seriously? I already know it's bitchy to act like you were oh-so-hurt and fooled when you weren't really. Fooled, I mean.) and I should be hanged. Really. For my selfishness, I mean.

God. What kind of friend am I? And I have the nerve to still consider him a friend. Wah!!! I am so so so going to bang my head a hundred thousand times on the wall for retribution.