I had, maybe still have, a major crush on someone during High School.
I first knew I like him after one of our Chemistry class. He was cool in answering our teacher, cute in his uniform, and really charming when he talked to me. So that by the end of the class, I was drooling over him. Well, not literally.
He reminded me of an elementary crush. They also have the same name. Same skin color. Same cool attitude. A number of similarities but a very distinct difference. He makes me feel special, not like the mentioned elementary crush who treats me the way he treats all girls (but I was so stupid to even think I'm special to him, apparently, I wasn't).
During 3rd year, we shared secret smiles. He acknowledges my presence when he's with his friends. He talks to me in our Journ class. Teases me about being such a nerd in our Proofreading lesson. Laughs with me when I took picture of him playing badminton for our Photo Journ lesson. And gave me that sweet, little smile when his team won in a friendly class game of the boys in Basketball. I thought I was the only one who saw him smiled at me. I wasn't, a friend who knew I liked him, noticed and she teased that by 4th year we might be a couple. I hoped.
But 4th year came and I lost him to a classmate. He likes her, everyone in the class said so. He liked her since 3rd year. He liked her for that long and was going to court her. My dreams about us crashed. I was hurt but I never did show anyone except for a few trusted friends who were aware of my feelings. I was hurt but I did not cry. I never did anyway, and definitely not this would have made me.
But I must say that, indeed, it hurts a lot. It hurts like hell. It was like I was splashed with hot water while being in a deep slumber. I wondered if I imagined everything. Maybe I did.
Then he came. A classmate, who I had a small crush on when I was in 1st year, texted me and we became close. He courted me, I answered "yes." It was a big mistake that we both did. We were both hurt by people we like. He was turned down by the girl he likes, and I too was - hurt.
We lasted for more than a month. I knew we would never have lasted longer. I don't want to. Not after one Thursday night my crush (still crush then) texted me.
He told me he wanted someone to talk with. The girl he likes turned him down. I said that I understood. He said that I was lucky to be with the one I love. I laughed. It was a sad one. Thankfully, he couldn't see me. I told him that he shouldn't give up on the girl he likes, that he should fight for her. He said that he would. Good, I replied. Then he said, "Thanks best!"
Best. The boys' short term for "Bestfriend." I may be hurt but I was happy. He considered me a friend. His bestfriend. Maybe I wasn't lucky enough to be his girlfriend. Still, for him, I am good enough to be his bestfriend. I savored the thought. We became close again after that. I must admit it was difficult for me whenever he tells me about the girl he likes.
I hated her. I hated how she was treating him. And I hated myself for neglecting my boyfriend. Maybe, God heard me. Maybe, my boyfriend felt it. Maybe, he still likes the girl he first courted. Or maybe, we weren't just made to last. Because in about two weeks of me being close again to my best, he told me that he's breaking up with me. I agreed. Instantly. I wanted to free us both. It'll be easier. Especially, for me.
The boy who treated me as a bestfriend was concerned when he learned about the break-up. I was nonchalant. I told him it didn't matter. That I was okay. He should have known, I wasn't.
Life became normal after that. He gave up on her. And I was there for him. I know he was feeling down. I am too. Stupid of me to feel down. Stupid of me to stick around. Stupid me.
We were still friends. We were both journ people and see each other a lot.
In our last Christmas party in High School, I was pretty much myself, me and my ex's break-up issue died down. Everything was okay. I was happy.
Then he did something I will never, not even when I'm old, ever forget.
We were about to eat. Buffet style. Serve your own. All of us contributed for the feast. He and some friend of his (I don't really know) contributed the soft drinks.
We stood up, piled our plates with food. We were noisy and unorganized. Everyone was getting this and that. The lazy me got bored waiting to get my drinks so I sat down. And started eating.
He noticed.
He noticed that I haven't had my drinks yet. He delivered it to me. He did. To me. Only me.
One of my friends noticed. Her boyfriend noticed. They stared at me. I stared back, after thanking him as if it was nothing.
But I was shocked. Bigtime. Really.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
On Emotions
I found this in my USB and I feel the need to post this. Yes, you heard right. The need to post this.
Maybe, because I put enough effort to finish this despite my laziness. So there. Here goes my Eng10 final paper. Enjoy!
Just Emotions – Taking You Over
Emotions comprise a big part of a human being. A certain feeling could literally force man to do a particular action without further consultation on what the consequences might be.
But before we dwell on examples of what emotions causes, let us first tackle what the word “emotions” mean.
Define “Emotion”
Emotion has various meanings and most of the time it is commonly associated with the word “feeling.” However, since we aim to have a clear understanding of “emotions,” I decided to lay down some definitions of “emotions” and be able to construct a more comprehensive meaning. But before going through this, let us remember that “emotion” is a social phenomenon solely responsible for man being able to relate to one another.
The dictionary meaning of emotion is a mental state that arises spontaneously rather than through conscious effort and is often accompanied by physiological changes, which implies that emotions are mostly experienced unconsciously by the human brain or the rational mind.
Emotion is considered to be a kind of motion (e-motion), a motion outward. It is said that emotion originally connotes disturbance or turbulence in the weather or atmosphere although; today it now means a turbulent experiences of humans and other animals. Emotions being considered as a disturbance of the mind could also mean paralyzing severely the rationality of the mind.
All in all, we could say that an emotion is nothing more than a feeling or passion that causes a person to act vehemently in an excited state of the mind.
Emotional irrationality
After we lay down and came up to a more comprehensible definition for emotion, we discovered that an emotion is more of an impulsive thing that man experiences. With the lack of the proper function of the mind and only an emotional basis to lead man, man might do something regrettable that could result to a bigger chaos. But are emotions really meant to be irrational?
We might ask as to why in the first place are emotions connected with the idea of irrationality. Answers are simple. First, it is because when an emotion, fear for example, has a complete grasp on your consciousness, you lose the will to face matters bravely rather you try ignoring or hiding from a certain problem. Also, certain emotions could make you do something really impulsive and thinking about it always comes secondhand.
Second, no one with a rational mind would like to succumb to what our feelings tell us, though this would be highly subjective to the person involved and the incident experienced. In simpler words, this phenomenon occurs with the distinction of the “emotional” and the “rational” or what is commonly known to be the battle of the “heart” and the “mind.”
To be emotional is to be irrational, because rationality is based on looking at what our actions could result to and not because of what it could make us feel.
Nevertheless, it might seem confusing to go against what passion tells man since as said above, passion can paralyze consciousness. Hence, emotions, no matter how irrational it might seem to be, once it took over you, the so-called rational you, will be able to make you do what it wills.
An “Emotional” brain
Having two choices in making decisions, you might think of the possibility of the existence of an “emotional” brain. It is a known fact that there is only one existing biological brain in man’s body. Rational thinking is only a function of the brain and so is emotion.
The “Dinosaur Brain” came from the idea of the “emotional” brain. The human brain consists of a cortex which is the center of thinking and reasoning. Stacked below it is the dinosaur brain responsible for emotional reactions which is called the amygdala.
The amygdala is in charge of the affection felt between humans and almost all passion is dependable on it. Human actions, that are considered emotional, are all caused by its function.
It seems ironic that the cortex, which is for rational function, be located above the amygdala. Could it be that the brain as an organic part meant to make intelligence more important than feelings?
Emotional Intelligence
Are humans capable of making sound decisions when overwhelmed by emotional reasoning?
The answer would certainly be yes if the question is needed to base on moral values. In making quick moral decisions, emotional reasoning comes in handy. The capacity of the emotions to judge correctly on moral issues is almost always helpful, since morally-concerned issues are socially based ones.
Although, in some instances, when man is prompted to make a decision and he is made to believe that emotions are only disruptive in making sound judgments, he might commit mistakes because of being afraid to be inclined to make emotionally-based decisions. But then, it can also be difficult to say if a certain decision made is based on emotional inclinations since emotions, for one, are hard to measure or balance since they tend to be very unstable.
Society of emotions
There are a lot of thoughts attached to emotions such as irrationality, feelings and, of course, the heart. Moreover, there are also a lot of ideas that can be conjured up by the emotions. Emotion, as mentioned above, is used to be treated as the main business of the social sciences that is focused on the behavior and thought of man. All emotions are fundamentally social, and the existence of emotions in a society is what gives life and excitement to humans.
Emotion gives meaning to man’s existence. Emotion is what makes a living being distinctive from non-living beings. Most especially emotions are what makes human – human. No matter how disruptive emotions seem to be, it all boils down to one thing – that emotions are part of the human life. And it’s all thanks to emotions that we feel certain things towards anyone or anything around us.
Rationality alone is not enough to suffice human life, emotions are important in cultivating humans – and life.
Indeed, it might be just emotions – taking you over, but those emotions are what makes you – you.
Works Cited
Goleman, Daniel. Emotional Intelligence. New York:
Bantam Books, 1995.
Kalat, James, and Shiota, Michelle. Emotion. Belmont, CA:
Wadsworth, 2007.
Bernstein, Albert, and Rozen, Sydney Craft. Dinosaur Brains.
New York: Ballantine Books, 1989.
Dictionary.com. 2009. Dictionary.com, LLC. 8 Mar. 2009.
< qsrc="2888">
Cacioppo, John T. Emotion, Rationality and Human Potential. 2000.
The University of Chicago. 8 Mar. 2009.
P.S. Complete with Works Cited and All :P
Maybe, because I put enough effort to finish this despite my laziness. So there. Here goes my Eng10 final paper. Enjoy!
Just Emotions – Taking You Over
Emotions comprise a big part of a human being. A certain feeling could literally force man to do a particular action without further consultation on what the consequences might be.
But before we dwell on examples of what emotions causes, let us first tackle what the word “emotions” mean.
Define “Emotion”
Emotion has various meanings and most of the time it is commonly associated with the word “feeling.” However, since we aim to have a clear understanding of “emotions,” I decided to lay down some definitions of “emotions” and be able to construct a more comprehensive meaning. But before going through this, let us remember that “emotion” is a social phenomenon solely responsible for man being able to relate to one another.
The dictionary meaning of emotion is a mental state that arises spontaneously rather than through conscious effort and is often accompanied by physiological changes, which implies that emotions are mostly experienced unconsciously by the human brain or the rational mind.
Emotion is considered to be a kind of motion (e-motion), a motion outward. It is said that emotion originally connotes disturbance or turbulence in the weather or atmosphere although; today it now means a turbulent experiences of humans and other animals. Emotions being considered as a disturbance of the mind could also mean paralyzing severely the rationality of the mind.
All in all, we could say that an emotion is nothing more than a feeling or passion that causes a person to act vehemently in an excited state of the mind.
Emotional irrationality
After we lay down and came up to a more comprehensible definition for emotion, we discovered that an emotion is more of an impulsive thing that man experiences. With the lack of the proper function of the mind and only an emotional basis to lead man, man might do something regrettable that could result to a bigger chaos. But are emotions really meant to be irrational?
We might ask as to why in the first place are emotions connected with the idea of irrationality. Answers are simple. First, it is because when an emotion, fear for example, has a complete grasp on your consciousness, you lose the will to face matters bravely rather you try ignoring or hiding from a certain problem. Also, certain emotions could make you do something really impulsive and thinking about it always comes secondhand.
Second, no one with a rational mind would like to succumb to what our feelings tell us, though this would be highly subjective to the person involved and the incident experienced. In simpler words, this phenomenon occurs with the distinction of the “emotional” and the “rational” or what is commonly known to be the battle of the “heart” and the “mind.”
To be emotional is to be irrational, because rationality is based on looking at what our actions could result to and not because of what it could make us feel.
Nevertheless, it might seem confusing to go against what passion tells man since as said above, passion can paralyze consciousness. Hence, emotions, no matter how irrational it might seem to be, once it took over you, the so-called rational you, will be able to make you do what it wills.
An “Emotional” brain
Having two choices in making decisions, you might think of the possibility of the existence of an “emotional” brain. It is a known fact that there is only one existing biological brain in man’s body. Rational thinking is only a function of the brain and so is emotion.
Remember that we discussed about the idea of “emotion” as an irrational feeling, consequently this was the same reason as to why some psychologist conducted the study about human’s having a “Dinosaur Brain.”
The “Dinosaur Brain” came from the idea of the “emotional” brain. The human brain consists of a cortex which is the center of thinking and reasoning. Stacked below it is the dinosaur brain responsible for emotional reactions which is called the amygdala.
The amygdala is in charge of the affection felt between humans and almost all passion is dependable on it. Human actions, that are considered emotional, are all caused by its function.
It seems ironic that the cortex, which is for rational function, be located above the amygdala. Could it be that the brain as an organic part meant to make intelligence more important than feelings?
Emotional Intelligence
Are humans capable of making sound decisions when overwhelmed by emotional reasoning?
The answer would certainly be yes if the question is needed to base on moral values. In making quick moral decisions, emotional reasoning comes in handy. The capacity of the emotions to judge correctly on moral issues is almost always helpful, since morally-concerned issues are socially based ones.
Although, in some instances, when man is prompted to make a decision and he is made to believe that emotions are only disruptive in making sound judgments, he might commit mistakes because of being afraid to be inclined to make emotionally-based decisions. But then, it can also be difficult to say if a certain decision made is based on emotional inclinations since emotions, for one, are hard to measure or balance since they tend to be very unstable.
Society of emotions
There are a lot of thoughts attached to emotions such as irrationality, feelings and, of course, the heart. Moreover, there are also a lot of ideas that can be conjured up by the emotions. Emotion, as mentioned above, is used to be treated as the main business of the social sciences that is focused on the behavior and thought of man. All emotions are fundamentally social, and the existence of emotions in a society is what gives life and excitement to humans.
Emotion gives meaning to man’s existence. Emotion is what makes a living being distinctive from non-living beings. Most especially emotions are what makes human – human. No matter how disruptive emotions seem to be, it all boils down to one thing – that emotions are part of the human life. And it’s all thanks to emotions that we feel certain things towards anyone or anything around us.
Rationality alone is not enough to suffice human life, emotions are important in cultivating humans – and life.
Indeed, it might be just emotions – taking you over, but those emotions are what makes you – you.
Works Cited
Goleman, Daniel. Emotional Intelligence. New York:
Bantam Books, 1995.
Kalat, James, and Shiota, Michelle. Emotion. Belmont, CA:
Wadsworth, 2007.
Bernstein, Albert, and Rozen, Sydney Craft. Dinosaur Brains.
New York: Ballantine Books, 1989.
Dictionary.com. 2009. Dictionary.com, LLC. 8 Mar. 2009.
< qsrc="2888">
Cacioppo, John T. Emotion, Rationality and Human Potential. 2000.
The University of Chicago. 8 Mar. 2009.
P.S. Complete with Works Cited and All :P
Sunday, January 24, 2010
LSS with Lady Gaga's Bad Romance
Last three weeks, I've been having a major LSS with Lady Gaga's Bad Romance. Like, as I was walking down AS steps, I'm humming Rah Rah Ah Ah Ah Roma Roma Ma, then after that when I was finally settled in the Main Library and was about to study, I suddenly found myself picking up my pen and writing a poem with a theme almost similar to Lady Gaga's Bad Romance, but, well, not that similar. Really.
In love with Vengeance
You're powerful and you're so hot
You're everything that I am not
Anger and madness vibrates around you
What you're going through,
I have a little clue
Vengeance fills your heart
Love ain't in your book
Cold is what you are
Still,
My heart desires you
Love has forsaken you
It made you stumble and crumble
Love is what I have for you
I'll pick you up from that rubble
You didn't wnat me to do that
You don't need my love
But I promise you and I
Together we'll write true love
Love, you despise the word
Hate is what you have
Still my love, I will give to you
My reasons?
I will tell you
You're everything I am not
You are my perfect match
I love you for who you are
Even inlove with your vengeful heart
Crazy I may be,
But what I feel is true
And I know that you need me,
Though words seems to fail you
Our love, I promise you
Will never lose track
So that someday when we look back
We'll see that love is true
'Cause we wrote it,
Me and you
So there goes my due-to-an-LSS poem. It's not a good one, I know. But I really find the poem funny when I compared it to the real meaning of Bad Romance.
Haha! :P
In love with Vengeance
You're powerful and you're so hot
You're everything that I am not
Anger and madness vibrates around you
What you're going through,
I have a little clue
Vengeance fills your heart
Love ain't in your book
Cold is what you are
Still,
My heart desires you
Love has forsaken you
It made you stumble and crumble
Love is what I have for you
I'll pick you up from that rubble
You didn't wnat me to do that
You don't need my love
But I promise you and I
Together we'll write true love
Love, you despise the word
Hate is what you have
Still my love, I will give to you
My reasons?
I will tell you
You're everything I am not
You are my perfect match
I love you for who you are
Even inlove with your vengeful heart
Crazy I may be,
But what I feel is true
And I know that you need me,
Though words seems to fail you
Our love, I promise you
Will never lose track
So that someday when we look back
We'll see that love is true
'Cause we wrote it,
Me and you
So there goes my due-to-an-LSS poem. It's not a good one, I know. But I really find the poem funny when I compared it to the real meaning of Bad Romance.
Haha! :P
Tell Me Why?
The whole day yesterday, I was listening to Taylor Swift's song 'Tell Me Why' and somehow it matched my mood after an online conversation with someone that evening.
I probably seem to be in the mood to rant and hell yes, I want to. It's just so unfair of him to treat me that way when he doesn't even know everything about me in the first place. He doesn't even know anything about the real me when we were still together. So how dare he say I've been doing stupid things lately? How dare he?
Oh, maybe he's saying that answering "yes" to him when he courted me is a stupid move. Then, I must agree with him. It is indeed a stupid thing to do especially by someone whose supposed to be mature. Fine, I know I acted immature then. Really immature. But I don't have any regrets. 'Cause I was able to gain knowledge from the experience which for me is my advantage. Moreover, he got nothing from me. Major haha!
But somehow I just can't forget the way he commented that I did something stupid. An "unexpected stupidity" he says so. So what is the "unexpected stupidity" that I did, I asked him but he won't tell. He said that it's nothing. Period.
If you're someone in the right mind, you won't be saying that someone acted stupid without any helluva reason reason, right? You're saying things because there is a reason, no matter how small, why you said them. I guess, he does't know that.
Poor him.
So why am I even bothering to rant? Because I know that he knows he's doing this bugging me for a reason. He knows that. And I want to know why.
Just to clear things up. The song doesn't really apply as a whole to me. Since I'm not anymore "inlove" with him.
This part does:
I'm sick and tired of your reasons
I got no one to believe in
Makes me run for cover when you're around
And here's to you and you're temper
Yes, I remember what you said last night
And, I know that you see what you're doing to me
Tell me why?
I probably seem to be in the mood to rant and hell yes, I want to. It's just so unfair of him to treat me that way when he doesn't even know everything about me in the first place. He doesn't even know anything about the real me when we were still together. So how dare he say I've been doing stupid things lately? How dare he?
Oh, maybe he's saying that answering "yes" to him when he courted me is a stupid move. Then, I must agree with him. It is indeed a stupid thing to do especially by someone whose supposed to be mature. Fine, I know I acted immature then. Really immature. But I don't have any regrets. 'Cause I was able to gain knowledge from the experience which for me is my advantage. Moreover, he got nothing from me. Major haha!
But somehow I just can't forget the way he commented that I did something stupid. An "unexpected stupidity" he says so. So what is the "unexpected stupidity" that I did, I asked him but he won't tell. He said that it's nothing. Period.
If you're someone in the right mind, you won't be saying that someone acted stupid without any helluva reason reason, right? You're saying things because there is a reason, no matter how small, why you said them. I guess, he does't know that.
Poor him.
So why am I even bothering to rant? Because I know that he knows he's doing this bugging me for a reason. He knows that. And I want to know why.
Just to clear things up. The song doesn't really apply as a whole to me. Since I'm not anymore "inlove" with him.
This part does:
I'm sick and tired of your reasons
I got no one to believe in
Makes me run for cover when you're around
And here's to you and you're temper
Yes, I remember what you said last night
And, I know that you see what you're doing to me
Tell me why?
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Just when I was literally looking for Death
I was feeling really down about a couple of hours ago because of an exam (I think I failed it) which I crammed for. It is my fault, I know it, since I did not prepare (blah, blah, blah). And I can't help banging my head on the girl's CR door, blaming myself bigtime. Plus wishing I'm dead, of course.
Moreover, I really hated the fact that my old competitive self is resurfacing just when I was feeling like the whole world's crushing down on me! I'm better off with my new happy-go-lucky self, mind you.
Back to the story, I got out, skipping 2 more of my classes, then I rode the first jeep I saw and paid for the fare of the first place that comes in my mind - Quiapo. The ride started with my brain whirling with stupid How-I-wish-I'm-dead thoughts. It was a fairly quiet ride which made my brooding sort-of emotional. (It also made me remember the time I cried my eyes out in 2nd year highschool because of my almost failing marks during first grading in Biology, which I absolutely hate then.)Anyway, the ride was kind of bumpy and due to the heat of the sun and the other passengers sitting beside, crushing me with their BIG bodies, I feel like puking.
I arrived safe and sound in Quiapo, and that made me half mad since I was hoping that my bad-girl attitude would be punished through an accident. I walked trying to keep my thoughts, my I-wanna-die-right-here-right-now wishes, as I walk past the Quiapo church. Then crossed the underground pass to the other side to go home.
I rode another jeep and returned to my brooding, after about 20 minutes or so of being stuck in traffic, I heard this song, as we were passing a pet shop: "If your mind keeps thinking you’ve had enough but the heart keeps telling don’t give up."
I suddenly looked up, thinking, 'What a coincidence, just when I was literally looking for Death out on the streets.'
Moreover, I really hated the fact that my old competitive self is resurfacing just when I was feeling like the whole world's crushing down on me! I'm better off with my new happy-go-lucky self, mind you.
Back to the story, I got out, skipping 2 more of my classes, then I rode the first jeep I saw and paid for the fare of the first place that comes in my mind - Quiapo. The ride started with my brain whirling with stupid How-I-wish-I'm-dead thoughts. It was a fairly quiet ride which made my brooding sort-of emotional. (It also made me remember the time I cried my eyes out in 2nd year highschool because of my almost failing marks during first grading in Biology, which I absolutely hate then.)Anyway, the ride was kind of bumpy and due to the heat of the sun and the other passengers sitting beside, crushing me with their BIG bodies, I feel like puking.
I arrived safe and sound in Quiapo, and that made me half mad since I was hoping that my bad-girl attitude would be punished through an accident. I walked trying to keep my thoughts, my I-wanna-die-right-here-right-now wishes, as I walk past the Quiapo church. Then crossed the underground pass to the other side to go home.
I rode another jeep and returned to my brooding, after about 20 minutes or so of being stuck in traffic, I heard this song, as we were passing a pet shop: "If your mind keeps thinking you’ve had enough but the heart keeps telling don’t give up."
I suddenly looked up, thinking, 'What a coincidence, just when I was literally looking for Death out on the streets.'
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