Was I Special?

I had, maybe still have, a major crush on someone during High School.

I first knew I like him after one of our Chemistry class. He was cool in answering our teacher, cute in his uniform, and really charming when he talked to me. So that by the end of the class, I was drooling over him. Well, not literally.

He reminded me of an elementary crush. They also have the same name. Same skin color. Same cool attitude. A number of similarities but a very distinct difference. He makes me feel special, not like the mentioned elementary crush who treats me the way he treats all girls (but I was so stupid to even think I'm special to him, apparently, I wasn't).

During 3rd year, we shared secret smiles. He acknowledges my presence when he's with his friends. He talks to me in our Journ class. Teases me about being such a nerd in our Proofreading lesson. Laughs with me when I took picture of him playing badminton for our Photo Journ lesson. And gave me that sweet, little smile when his team won in a friendly class game of the boys in Basketball. I thought I was the only one who saw him smiled at me. I wasn't, a friend who knew I liked him, noticed and she teased that by 4th year we might be a couple. I hoped.

But 4th year came and I lost him to a classmate. He likes her, everyone in the class said so. He liked her since 3rd year. He liked her for that long and was going to court her. My dreams about us crashed. I was hurt but I never did show anyone except for a few trusted friends who were aware of my feelings. I was hurt but I did not cry. I never did anyway, and definitely not this would have made me.

But I must say that, indeed, it hurts a lot. It hurts like hell. It was like I was splashed with hot water while being in a deep slumber. I wondered if I imagined everything. Maybe I did.

Then he came. A classmate, who I had a small crush on when I was in 1st year, texted me and we became close. He courted me, I answered "yes." It was a big mistake that we both did. We were both hurt by people we like. He was turned down by the girl he likes, and I too was - hurt.

We lasted for more than a month. I knew we would never have lasted longer. I don't want to. Not after one Thursday night my crush (still crush then) texted me.

He told me he wanted someone to talk with. The girl he likes turned him down. I said that I understood. He said that I was lucky to be with the one I love. I laughed. It was a sad one. Thankfully, he couldn't see me. I told him that he shouldn't give up on the girl he likes, that he should fight for her. He said that he would. Good, I replied. Then he said, "Thanks best!"

Best. The boys' short term for "Bestfriend." I may be hurt but I was happy. He considered me a friend. His bestfriend. Maybe I wasn't lucky enough to be his girlfriend. Still, for him, I am good enough to be his bestfriend. I savored the thought. We became close again after that. I must admit it was difficult for me whenever he tells me about the girl he likes.

I hated her. I hated how she was treating him. And I hated myself for neglecting my boyfriend. Maybe, God heard me. Maybe, my boyfriend felt it. Maybe, he still likes the girl he first courted. Or maybe, we weren't just made to last. Because in about two weeks of me being close again to my best, he told me that he's breaking up with me. I agreed. Instantly. I wanted to free us both. It'll be easier. Especially, for me.

The boy who treated me as a bestfriend was concerned when he learned about the break-up. I was nonchalant. I told him it didn't matter. That I was okay. He should have known, I wasn't.

Life became normal after that. He gave up on her. And I was there for him. I know he was feeling down. I am too. Stupid of me to feel down. Stupid of me to stick around. Stupid me.

We were still friends. We were both journ people and see each other a lot.

In our last Christmas party in High School, I was pretty much myself, me and my ex's break-up issue died down. Everything was okay. I was happy.

Then he did something I will never, not even when I'm old, ever forget.

We were about to eat. Buffet style. Serve your own. All of us contributed for the feast. He and some friend of his (I don't really know) contributed the soft drinks.

We stood up, piled our plates with food. We were noisy and unorganized. Everyone was getting this and that. The lazy me got bored waiting to get my drinks so I sat down. And started eating.

He noticed.

He noticed that I haven't had my drinks yet. He delivered it to me. He did. To me. Only me.

One of my friends noticed. Her boyfriend noticed. They stared at me. I stared back, after thanking him as if it was nothing.

But I was shocked. Bigtime. Really.