DBSK forever in my heart

Call me a crazy, obsessed fangirl. Maybe, indeed, I am. But it doesn't matter. What matters is that I love them. Yeah, you heard me right. I love them. I love DBSK.

Yesterday I bought my copy of MYX Mag The K-Pop Edition. I've been ransacking all bookstores I know since Tuesday trying to look for it. I failed. But yesterday, while I was busy doing my mother's groceries, I saw it. I saw it. And I almost squealed with delight. Almost.

A lucky day.

I bought it and started reading. Although I know the pages tributed for TVXQ would be few (very few, indeed, I found out later, only 2 freaking pages, but well, it's worth it), I still dread the article about them. Considering the fact that they are undergoing the biggest storm in their career (hehe, storm, I like that word a lot, I'm an Arashi fangirl too, mind you).

But I liked the article a lot. Especially the first few lines:

When we speak of the talented boy bands from Korea, there is one group that definitely comes to the mind of a true K-Pop follower. This is TVXQ---

True enough.

It's like you're the dumbest person alive if you claim to be an avid K-Pop lover yet not know about the existence of the gods.

They're the best. They're it. That's why everyone who claims to love K-Pop should know them. That's why most true blue K-Pop lovers adore them. And that's why I love them.

Anyway, the article, though not that touchy-feely puts me to tears.

I was literally crying bucketsful of tears.

Dang, I miss them. I miss reading news about the five of them together. I miss their laugh. Their jokes. And just about everything that concerns them.

God, I miss the five of them so much.

That is why, being the sensitive person that I am, I've written a poem for them. It's a weird poem though. I write stuff about people and things when I want to because I feel a strong need to do so but it is always accompanied with indifference (even just a dash of indifference), but this poem is different. It's all about my feelings about the five of them. All about the love I have for them. (Yes, I love Arashi as much, but please, allow me to offer this for DBSK, just DBSK.)

After being lost in touch with my blog for a month or two, here I am again, back with a broken heart. (haha!) Honestly.

All I can offer

(Don't wanna see you cry)

I don't want to lose you

Not now, not ever

I don't want to see too

the five of you not together

I don't want to hear your cries

Don't want to see your tears

I don't want you to tell me lies

while you're alone facing your fears

Your tears breaks my heart

Your cries kills me

You already are a part

of my life, can't you see?

I will cry for you, yes I will

I'll do it to spare you the pain

So please don't cry, don't make me feel

As if I can't shield you from the rain

Suki da, Te amo, I love you

You've been my gods, my guide

Listen, please, Saranghaeyo

Now, today, no matter what, forever by your side

I love them.

Honto ni.

Ta-ta for now. I'm on the brink of tears yet again. *sigh*

P.S. Thaaanks a lot MYX Mag!

Writing for me

http://artslink.files.wordpress.com/2009/05/writing-center.jpg

I can't imagine life without books, papers, pens, pencils and my beloved PC.

Fiiineee, honestly, I can imagine it, but I don't like it all the same.

Life without being able to put into words what you are currently feeling is life without being able to feel. A robot's life. A statue's life.

I can't live a life like that. I'd rather die.

Talk about death.

Fine, fine, fine. I'm not supposed to talk about death. I know.

Going back, writing according to this is considered as the representation of language in a textual medium through the use of a set of signs or symbols. A representation of language that is. Also, an extension of human language across time and space. The way were history could be passed through aside from telling through the use of spoken language.

There is a long history about writing. Different informations about it. Different ways on how it was done through time. Different ways of writing depending on a person's culture and country.

Writing is essential to history. It is essential to man for many reasons known to man. And I, too, believe in those given reasons.

But in simpler words, writing, for me, is as important as breathing.

That simple yet, that complex.

Coincidents?

Dumb me.

I accidentally deleted my Weird 101 blog. Thankfully, I saved a copy of it.

It's one of my loved piece since I wrote it while lost in thought.

How coincidental.

I accidentally deleted it while lost in thought too.

Freaky.

Weird 101

Picture this: 1:11 am na. Gising pa 'ko. Nakaharap sa computer habang umiinom ng medyo mainit na tsokolate. Astig 'no? 1:11 am. Tadhana.

Hindi ko alam kung naniniwala ba 'ko sa tadhana. Siguro oo. Ganoon 'ata talaga pag romantic kang tao. Hopeless romantic sabi ng mga kaibigan ko. Paano ba ako naging romantic? Siguro kasi masyadong exaggerated ang mga kwentong naiisip ko. Pati paraan ng pagsusulat ko mabulaklak. Mas madali kong na-e-express ang sarili ko sa wikang Inlgles. Feeling ko mas magaling ako magsulat pag English ang gamit ko. Feeling ko lang naman 'yun.

Kanina pa tulog sila mama at papa. Gusto ko na rin matulog pero hindi ako inaantok. Ang labo. Bakit ko ba nabanggit 'yon? Kasi sabi ng utak ko, pagod na 'ko matulog ka na, pero may sariling pag-iisip ang mga kamay ko. Patuloy itong pumipindot sa mga letra dito sa keyboard. Teka, pagandahin natin 'yung huli kong sinabi. Revised: Ngunit nawalan na ako ng kontrol sa sarili kong mga kamay. Ayaw na nito makinig sa akin. Patuloy pa rin ito sa pagtipa sa bawat letrang natatagpuan nito sa keyboard. Ano ba ang Tagalog ng keyboard?

Naisip ko lang 'no? Bakit ba natutulog ang mga tao? Para makapag-pahinga? Mabawi ang lakas nila? Maliban doon? Sa tingin ko, ang pag-tulog ay ang paraan nating mga tao para panandaliang makatakas sa mga problemang dala ng buhay na kailangan nating harapin 'pag tayo ay gising. Kaya masarap matulog. Kasi natatakasan natin sila. Silang mga sagabal sa ating mga plano. Silang mga kadalasa'y umuubos ng ating panahon.

Gusto ko ng matulog.

Pero hindi pa rin ako inaantok eh.

Bukas din 'yung Facebook account ko. Tinitingnan ko kung may kaibigan akong pwedeng daldalin. Kaso wala. Merong online pero hindi ko naman sila ganoon ka-close. Ayan, nag-se-senti na 'ko. Na-mi-miss ko na ang mg kaibigan ko. Oo nga pala. Dinalaw ako ng BFF kong si Joribel kanina. Biglaang dalaw na nauwi sa biglaang lakwacha. Nakakatuwa. Mag-a-alas-otso na siya dumating. Umalis s'ya ng 8:15, sumama ako para ihatid siya sa may kanto at bumili na rin ng chicharong balat ng manok. Pero inabot kami ng halos isang oras sa daan ka-kadaldal. Nakakatuwa. Kailan ko kaya uli makikita na buo ang ang barkada namin? 'Yung GROSSBOMB. :)
Nabanggit ko 'yung Facebook kasi balak ko ipost ito as a "note" doon. Haha.

Wala naman akong sinasabing matino. Sinusulat/tina-type daw pala. Sarcastic na utak. Epal. T.T

Weird. Magulo. Fine. Magulo na kung magulo. Ganoon ako eh. May magagawa pa ba 'ko? Mas komportable ako maging magulo at malabo. Mas masaya 'pag ganoon.

Weirdo. 'Yun yung tawag sa akin ng mga ka-klase ko nung elementary at high school, pati ng mga kapit-bahay namin. Ayaw na ayaw kong tinatawag na weirdo noon. Am'pangit ng dating sakin. Para akong sinasabihan na abnormal. Siguro iba at hindi normal (para sa iba sa kanila) yung makipag-usap sa sarili habang nag-lalakad o kaya mag-sulat ng kung anu-ano o kaya mag-basa forever o kaya mag-isa at hindi makihalubilo. Sa akin hindi eh. Ganoon yung trip ko. Bata pa lang, ayoko ng lumalabas ng bahay. Sapat na yung maglalaro ako sa isang sulok at sisigaw ng Darna! pag gusto ko. O kaya damputin yung mga libro ng kuya ko na kaya ko ng basahin at babasahin ko ng paulit-ulit. Saka mas trip ko makipag-usap kay Barbie kaysa sa mga ka-edad ko noon. Wala naman kasi silang matinong sinasabi. Boring sila para sa akin.

Weirdo. Ngayon, tanggap ko na na weirdo nga ako. Natutunan kong tanggapin ang pagka-weirdo ko nung magsimula akong ma-inlab sa mga libro. Grade three 'yun. Matagal na kong mahilig mag-basa pero minahal ko ang mga libro nung Gr.3 ako. Nung ma-inlab ako sa kanila, marami akong nakilala. Iba't-ibang tauhan, lugar, at mga bagay. 'Yung mga tauhan na bida sa mga aklat ay madalas na kapareho ko ng ugali. Weirdo sila. Magulo. Malabo. Kaka-iba. Distinct. Mula noon, ang buhay para sa akin ay parang isang kwento na lang na aking isinusulat. (Balang araw isusulat ko ang kwento ng buhay ko.) At mula din noon, natuwa ako na weird ako. I'm proud to be weird. Weirdo nga ako.

Syempre, may tumutuya. Pinag-tatawanan ako. O kaya sinasabihan akong magpakatino o umayos. Eh wala naman akong ginagawang mali o against sa batas. Loko pala sila eh. Pasunurin daw ba ako sa Status Quo nila? ASA!

Mayroon pang nagrereklamo sa mama ko. Bakit daw ako nakayuko lagi. Bakit daw nagbabasa lagi. Bakit daw nagsasalita mag-isa. Bakit daw ganito. Bakit daw ganyan. Bakit, bakit, bakit. Tanong ko lang 'no: Bakit ako lagi nakikita ninyo? Kasalanan ko senyo?

Ang dami ko 'atang sentmiyento sa buhay ano?

Hindi naman masyado. Keribels lang. Kaya pa teh. Pero gusto ko lang lumigaya. Oo, masaya ako pero maligaya? Ewan. Senti ulit. Gabi kasi eh. Tahimik. Malungkot. Malungkot ba 'ko? Ngayon, siguro oo. Bukas hindi na. May magugulo na naman ako eh. May mapag-ti-tripan. Sasaya na naman. Tatawa. Pero hindi magiging maligaya.

Napakalalim na salita. Maligaya. Mararanasan ko kaya iyon? 'Kala mo ang tanda ko na 'no? 18 years old teh. Certified isip-bata, pero Lola at taga-payo ng barkada. Dahil sa libro. Natuto akong makipag-deal sa mga moral problems ko at ng iba dahil sa libro. Lahat dahil sa libro.
Patalon-talon na ang usapang ito. Wala ng kwenta.

Matutulog na ko.

Susubukan ko na lang ipaliwanag at linawin kung ano mang mga pinag-susulat ko dito. Pero madali lang ito intindihin. Kung weirdo ka - gaya ko.

Crap! Walang title.

Weirdo 101. Sabi ni utak. Fine sabi ni kamay. Parang subject lang eh. Hopefully, hindi. Baka maging weirdo yung makakabasa nito. Kawawa naman.

Hala, sige, goodnight!

Me babasahin pa kong libro eh. Hindi pa 'ko matutulog. Sumasakit lang yung mata ko sa kakatitig kay monitor. Tapo magbabasa ako eh 'no? Tanga lang eh. :))

- Kamay ni TikyaFeb. 6, 20102:00 AM
Hontoni? Halos isang oras ko pala itong isunulat. Chineck ko pa yung Tagalog grammar ko. Baka mail. Haha! May pagka-bobo kasi ako sa Filipino. Oo nga pala. Filipino, hindi Tagalog.

- Utak ni TikyaFeb. 6, 20102:07 AM

P.S. 7 ang paborito kong numero. :D

Ticktock

Time is of essence.

She told me to buy tomatoes, so I went. While I was walking I saw this dirty kitten near the veggie stall. I pitied the kitten but I know I couldn’t do anything about it. So I simply ignored the little thing.

After paying for the stuff I bought, I turned around and saw the kitten trying to cross the street as a car, a blue van I think, approached, then just like in the movies everything moved in slow motion, I saw the kitten’s tail, I contemplated if I could pull it back to safety without butchering it (just in case the van already had it under its wheels), I could still remember how scared I was as I saw the van approaching fast and I knew I don’t have the time (or maybe just scared to take advantage of time), I could only hope the kitten would move fast enough such that it could avoid the monster wheels, or that I could stop the time, even just for a few seconds.

The poor thing died. Right in front of my eyes. I saw the monster wheels run over the kitten’s neck. Saw how the kitten’s neck was opened a little. Saw it writhe. Saw some of its guts sprouting. Saw the van continue its journey, as if it hadn’t felt the small bump it crossed. And killed.

And all I could do was to shout (not even a loud one).

Then I walked away.

I walked away but I could still picture the writhing, dying figure of the kitten. I could almost hear its plea for me to help it or to just give it a proper burial. And I could almost feel the icy glare someone might be giving me. I’m such a hypocrite.

Crying but leaving.

Such a hypocrite.

And now I have the nerve to write about it. As if I was the victim. As if I was the poor one who was so unlucky to see such kind of death. As if I didn’t deserve to see it and to shake in misery. As if that kitten’s death happened to be only a topic I have to write about. But see, I have no choice.

I have to write about it. I have to spend this few minutes, just this few minutes, to write about it. I have to do this in honor of that kitten. For that kitten I failed to save, I failed to help. What choice do I have? This place I live in is a bustling place. No place for me to bring that kitten, no place for me to bury that kitten. Am I trying to convince myself that I left that kitten in better hands, in Mother Nature’s hands? Moreover, even if I was able to save that kitten, I still wouldn’t be able to protect it, I still have to leave it prowling the streets alone, and maybe leave it, only to suffer more. Still, I know that all of these are my lame excuses. My excuses to lessen the guilt I am feeling now. To ease the burden.

The burden I deserve to feel.

I wish I could turn back the time. I wish I could stop the time. But I couldn’t and what happened already happened. I could only regret.

Time will come that I will forget the incident about the kitten I failed to save. Still for now, I want to write about it. To help me cope with it. To help me think that in some way I succeeded in saving that kitten, even just in memory. And to help me remember.

To help me remember that there came a time in my life that I failed to make good use of the little time Fate has given me.

How I failed to use the few ticktocks of the clock, time made me see and feel.

Stench of Beer

Tonight, my brother came home drunk, no, I’ll correct that: he was brought home drunk. He was very drunk and the stench of beer coming from his mouth was more than enough to make my stomach churn and make me vomit myself. (For the record, it was his first time; Papa said it certainly won’t be his last.)

Drinking alcohol, to the point of drowning yourself in it, is the last thing that I would ever do in my whole life. I swear.

I love being in control. Well, at least in control of some things that I know I could. Achieving awards, good grades, passing my favorite subjects with high marks, even failing some subjects I’m growing tired of pondering about, all those things I could control; and I love the feeling of being in control of them. I love the feeling of being a puppet master. Moreover, if given the chance, I would definitely love to be in control of my feelings, not only would it result to good decision making, it would also lessen the pain I have to bear.

Going back to being drunk, why did I swear that I would never do that? Three reasons.

First, as I said I love to be in control. When you’re drunk, you lose all control, you find it hard to stand, you vomit endlessly, you talk garbage or you tell things which you are not supposed to share with anyone (which could totally mess up your life) and you do weird things which you normally would not (or never) do. Second, you become a burden to the people you live with, they have to follow after you to clean up your mess and to make it sure that you’re not putting yourself in any danger (thus, I think it’s okay to get drunk if your living alone, such that whatever happens to you will be your own fault). And lastly, the stench of beer sucks, most especially the stench of vomited beer. It totally sucks. (Sorry for the word but I don’t have any other adjective to describe the smell of beer clinging to my nose).

Anyway, moral lesson here is: please be careful not to get drunk. You could drink all the beer you want, you could drown yourself in it, but never let it take over you. You, a human being complete with a functional brain, should, moreover must, be the one controlling that smelly liquid, not you being the controlled one. Maybe, getting drunk once is forgivable, twice is tolerable, but thrice, four times, even five? That’s stupid (to the nth level). Completely unforgivable.

You can’t let that smelly liquid take over your life. If you think about it, how could you allow that liquid dictate your actions? Thoroughly a dim-witted person’s thing to do.

My brother really became a bother to our household tonight. Aside from thrashing vomit around the place, he reeks of beer. As for me, I’ll never do that. I’ll never succumb to that smelly liquid. I never will reek of the stench of beer.

The Crush List

Okay, I’m flipping out. I’m totally flipping out!

Hear me?

But then, why I am flipping out, one might ask.

Simple. I have read again another book about a certain love story where girl-gets-perfect-soulmate and I’m flipping out. Ridiculous, huh?

It’s just not fair. It’s just not very fair! Hence, it is soooo unfair for female protagonists to end up with the one they love and like and be happy about it for, like, forever. Why do they have to be happy? Why? Plus why does it have to be forever?

Heck, I’m whining about a book. Again. *sigh*

I’m a teen, an 18-year old at that. And I don’t have a life. Ugh! (not that I wanted to be involved or anything now, but I would looovee it if by some miracle Kim Na Gil, Lee Seung Hyo, Youngwoong Jaejoong or most especially Jun Matsumoto finally realizes that I’m the woman of their dreams. *wink wink*)

Oh well, I do too, in a way, I realize.

I have a hundreds of crushes, most of them celebs and book/movie/anime characters, and am now obsessing over an almost 30-year old Korean actor (who is really hot! And when I say HOT! With an exclamation point, I mean HOT! With an exclamation point and is in caps lock at that. *drools*)

Picture how I practically am drooling just thinking about him? Major yuck, huh?

Anyhoo, what I am saying is that why is it that life doesn’t work the way it does in books? Why does life have to be a major pain? Especially when it comes to me who’s looking for her akai ito?

Why can’t I have a more adventurous, comedic love life? Aaahh! The dreams of a writer. Dreams of finding the perfect one only a written work of art from an author’s heart could only produce.

I like those guys above because they all played Mr. Perfect in some of their movies and they just fit the part perfectly that it’s a shame not to consider that they might, slight chance that might may be but still might, be exactly the same way in real life.

I wish.

Aaargghhh. I should stop reading books and watching movies or anime. They’re corrupting my already deranged imagination. Deranged from making up what Mr. Soulmate should be like. Plus why do I have to be a writer myself? It’s making me insane! Nuts! Looney! A deranged, looney-balooney, nutcase writer. Aaaaaaggghhhh!

I’ll post my crushes (the celeb and anime ones) pics here. In my whole eighteen years, one hundred three days, fifteen hours and forty minutes of living. (let’s not count the seconds.)

The Crush List

Dennis of Ghost Fighter

He’s my first ever crush. I maybe 6 or 7 that time. And I really like him. His ability and his looks are something. *laughs*

Inuyasha of Inuyasha

He’s a grade 5 crush. It’s the coolest anime that time and I’m so into it. I really love him and Kagome’s love-hate relationship. I’m so addicted to it; I had posters of the anime covering my wall. J

Naruto Uzumaki of Naruto

Everyone loves his personality, his principle, and his cat-like looks (I think, it’s cat-like). He’s cute, man! =)) I’m in highschool then, he’s my first crush in Naruto.

Sasuke Uchiha of Naruto

He’s brooding and dark aura makes me like him. He’s cool. I first hate him though, but, oh well, nothing vould make you really hate Sasuke forever, okay?

Neji Hyuuga of Naruto

He’s also cool. My third crush. I also hated his guts especially since he taunts Naruto’s abilities, but I came to love him after the Sasuke kidnapping incident, where he fought with the Spider guy. I hate that guy for hurting my Neji. (Heh-heh-heh. XP)

Rei Kon of Bey Blade

I like him. He is cute, okay?

Lee Syaoran of Cardcaptor Sakura

His character really is the perfect boy. He’s just every Grade school-ers dream boy. J

Tamaki Ricard de Grandtaine of Ouran High School Host Club

He’s the “mother” of the host club. He’s stupid, funny, and dense but he’s sweet.

Natsume Hyuuga of Gakuen Alice

He is also a brooding type. He is a smug, shown to think highly of himself, but caring deep down type of boy. I also love the way he and Mikan’s love story enfolds.

Jun Matsomoto of Arashi (as Shin Sawada of Gokusen (and anywhere else))

I love the character he played in Gokusen. Then I love him as an Arashi member. In Gokusen he’s cool, distant, the brooding type yet lovable. *sigh*(Waaah! I’m hyperventilating. *grins*) I never missed an episode of Gokusen because of him, well actually I did once and I cried my eyes out until I’ve seen the ep. in Youtube. XD

And darn it. I love his group Arashi as well. :D

Rain as Justin of Full House (and as a hot dancer)

He’s a good actor, a hot, sexy, talented dancer, and everyone loves him. And so do I. J

On Ju Wan as Il Jeong of My Mighty Princess

He looks a lot like Rain. But different personalities (the way I see it). And the way he plays the male protagonist/antagonist, best friend and secretly crushing on the lead character is astounding. The last battle scene puts me to tears for about a month and every time I remember it. J

Lee Seung Hyo as Alcheon of Queen Seon Deok

I’m one of those who love Queen SD. Moreover, not only do I love the story but I love this guy as well. His character doesn’t stand out. He’s a Royal Palace Guard who has his principles intact whatever happens. Plus he’s cute. (=P) Anyhoo, I researched about him after falling for him as Alcheon and though he’s not that famous, I like him still.

Kim Nam Gil as Bidam of Queen Seon Deok

The guy I’m currently drooling over. He’s cute! Also I love his character as Bidam, mysterious and daunting at times. He makes me think that he’s an MPD case (hehe) but I love it all the same. He’s bad, and then he’s good. He smiles when in bad mood and his smile is something I would love to stare at and drool over for the rest of my life. (HAHA!) He really has this scary yet cute grin. I also love his moves in Queen SD.

Youngwoong Jaejoong of DBSK

A singer, dancer and actor, all in one. Plus he’s pretty, I mean, handsome. DBSK is a Korean boy band filled with 5 yummy, sexy, hot, talented boys who's got the whole of Asian girls screaming their heads off (no kidding). And, I think, JJ happens to be the pseudo-leader, the one with the most beautiful singing voice and the pretty boy of the group. Girls might want to throw their undies at him (hehe, I won’t do it don’t worry). That’s how pretty or handsome he is. Another thing, I like boys who don’t cry in public. (‘cause I don’t too.)

THE MOST IMPORTANT OF THEM ALL (though that’s not ALL of them, I’m trying to remember my other crushes, but this guy is the most important, okay?!)

Jackie Chan

He is my most loved, most adored, most admired, most idolized, most crush of them all!

Why? Because of all the movies he’d made (and his characters in them), his “The Moves”, his bubbly personality and his as himself (if you’re a fan, you’ll know what I’m blabbering about).

He’s my all-time idol. And I would love to be his daughter, or if I only happen to be older, his wife. (hehehe) That’s how much I adore him. *puppy eyes*

There goes my list, it’s not yet finished, mind you. I forgot some of my crushes’ name but I’m trying to remember okay?

So what’s the point of this whining? Nada. Zip. None.

Oh well, there is, actually. I just wanna say that why is it that there are so many prospect Mr. Soulmate in this world but all of them happens to be a made up character, an actor from somewhere out there, totally out of my reach, someone way, way, waaaayyyy older than me, and someone I’ll never ever really have?

Why? Why?

And then, I happen to always stumble upon books telling about guys who were soooo good you just wished they were yours. *sigh*