Last night, now, and for the rest of my life

I'm reviving this blog page because who cares. No one reads this anyway. 😂😂😂


The following is something I wrote at work on December 13, 2015, after December 12's emo moments. After which, I posted it on Facebook for personal reassurance. I mean, I might forget how I actually moved on from my first love. Finally. 😂


Last night, I said that I'm over him. Now, I remember this was the day when I realized that I like him. A lot. Last night, I said I might think about him again, some days where I would convince myself again that I'm still in love with him. Now, I can't help but get my heart a little bit broken again. Last night, I logically thought about how I finaly have moved on. Now, I agree with myself.


I will still have those days when I would stare at nothingness and think how comfortable it would be if I have him by my side. But who am I kidding? I'm me. I wouldn't sit down for anything. Or so I think.


Yesterday, I saw the picture of someone I had a huge crush on when I was in high school. He looks so comfortable, so mature, so - made. It's like he has goals in mind and he's at ease with life, and then I realized that I'm glad he never really noticed me. He did, yes. As a friend. A close one if you could consider it that. He was nice and friendly to me. He was really a good writer and I just knew I really like him when I got to know him better. That's me - liking people based on their ability to talk about what I consider to be important things in life. I've always randomly thought about him every time I see his posts appearing on my feed, wondering what would have happened to me had I been lucky then to have him, and I realized I would have felt more confused and sad and alone than I am now. I wouldn't want to be with a person who is not as confused about life as I am. That I now have fully accepted. That no matter the stability that kind of life offers, I would get suffocated with someone so complete and made. I'm incomplete and unmade. Would I be complete and made if I were with him? I don't really think so or if I were, I would probably feel that that's not the life I should be living, that this life now is what I needed to experience and live so I can be on my way to completing myself and finding who I really am. Probably. But I'm betting on that probability.


Existentialist thoughts, maybe? Excuses for failing? For being afraid of failing? For failing still anyway? Who knows? But I'm comfortable in my skin. I'm me.


A few weeks ago, or was that many days ago, I thought about how if the person I first fell in love with would just come back and asked me to be with him and how I would just drop everything and go to him and live the simple life he told me he has wanted. And I realized that it's the simplicity of him that made me fall. I'm not a grandiose person nor am I a risk taker. (I'm afraid of failing most of the time and still fail myself anyway.) And I liked that about him and I found myself falling, have fallen - crashed and burned. Not that he burned me mind you, I let myself fall even if he never showed any intention to catch me. He might be just being friendly. And was extra amused with probably the weirdest person he's ever met (that's my adjective: weird). Unfortunately, that doesn't translate to love (or if it does, I didn't have time by my side, but, really who knows). And end of story is me getting burned. And coming out too cynical - and I was already mite sardonic prior.


Last night, I thought about it again, about how I'd swore to leave everything behind if it means being with him and - it doesn't seem like a viable option. Not last night. It was a risk. Why should I throw "me" away for a person no matter how important that person is, no matter if that was the first and only person (aside from my family and close friends - sometimes, not even them) that I have really loved, more than myself even - I mean really, why should I? Don't I love me just as much? I realized, yes I do. I love myself now. I'm still myself's greatest enemy (and hater really) but I am also my best friend and companion. It's sad if you think about it but it's great too. At least, only me can fail me. And I don't feel that much hurt when I think about him now. The most important person for me then. The most special, more special than Jackie Chan even - then. Now? Jackie Chan is definitely taking first place in my heart. Or, really, it's my place. (And God, but I've always thought of God as an all rounder entity so he's taking all places or, you know, he's unrankable as well.)


And I realized, I've really moved on - after four years, I'm done. I'm free. Last night, I thought about finding myself for real this time. Now, I still agree. And for the rest of my life, I will still fully agree. I may have lapses in my thoughts and ideas, I might mislead myself (anyway, I wouldn't be me if I'm not going to do that), I might act stupidly if I fall in love with a person again (hopefully that person wouldn't reciprocate the "love" so I'll be safe from actually doing anything stupid), I might get afraid again (always am), but I'll still go back to last night and today and think about how I've decided that this is it - no more them, just me.


Update: Yep, same feeling as that day. I will prolly still feel like I love him if I see him in the future. But I'm sure there's no heavy crying that will occur. 😂

My Love from The Past (or Real Love is Apparently Unreal)

Maybe it's time I start accepting reality and stop believing that True Love exists.

One by one, the couples I've considered blessed enough to have experienced True Love are starting to break up with each other, forget each other, and go on their separate ways. I listen to them talk about their reasons and it pains me to hear them say that they have forgotten the feeling of being in love with that person, of wanting to grow old together, of wanting to spend every moment together. I wanted them to feel despair yet I don't see that in their eyes nor hear it in their words. Frankly, I seem to be more disheartened by the turn of events. I felt ridiculed and ridiculous.

I don't believe in it because I want to experience it for myself. Rather, as disillusioned as I was of it happening to me, I felt happy that other people get to experience its magic despite the sad reality of... well, reality. I was contented and happy for them. I wasn't wishing for anyting more. It was enough for me to see True Love envelope other people. So why did it have to show me its hideous side? It seems that love, like life, is as unfair and evil.

There was once a person who asked me what I think Heaven is like. I told him that as far as I've heard and read about it, it's a gold-paved place, where everyone is happy and contented. He replied that he hoped it was a place where you can be together forever with the person you love the most and spend eternity in an everlasting happiness. I smiled, I wanted to tell him that I wanted it to be the same way, I didn't. Instead, I contested his belief and told him that people in Heaven should not feel any emotions, for it is emotions that makes this world ugly. I waited for him to tell me otherwise. He didn't. He agreed with me.

I laughed darkly. He said that he still hopes Heaven is a place where love should exist regardless of me appearing to be right. I felt happy. That time I thought that as long as people like him exists, the world would be a better place. (I hope that he is still the same person he was 2 years ago.)

As I watch couples around me fall apart left and right, I found myself praying for him to magically appear in front of me and make me believe again. I found myself crying and hoping to see him again. I wanted to hold onto the feeling of love that I felt when I am with him. Unrequited it maybe, but it was the only love I know that remains to be real. At least I am sure of my own feelings. And I hoped he stayed the same. (Hah, maybe my feelings aren't as genuine as they seem to me.) I still fervently hope that my love is real though.

Note: These are my thoughts after watching "My Love from Another Star". I just feel sad though not terribly sad, more like sad empty and I had to get it out of my system. I miss that person.

Goals and writing

After finally watching Bungaku Shoujo The Movie, I envied Konoha-kun for having a muse to dedicate his written works to. I realized I don't have one. I then asked myself why am I writing? And I answered because I wanted to be able to create that character that a reader would want to have in their lives. A character that you would die crying for like Coffey. A character that you would have wanted to love you like Jensen. And a lot of other characters that would touch your life. I wouldn't aim as big as wanting to be able to change someone's life through my written works, I'd actually be contented with being able to be a part of someone's life. A one hour perhaps that was given to a story I had written. It will be more than enough for me. Then suddenly, I had an epiphany.

I remembered that there was a time in my life that I had stopped writing. A time when I had lost my dream. And a time when someone gave that dream back to me.

Only he didn't know it. And he probably never will.

And now it's posing as a great problem for me.

How will I ever let that someone who gave my dream back to me know what he did? And how will I be able to thank him?

Update:
I won't be able to thank him, I didn't even finish this. And was just updating today (16.04.17) because I feel like reviving this for personal reasons. Haha.

But seriously. I may notbe able to thank him in real life, but thank you anyway for being my muse back then. I'm currently on the lookout for another muse because I've moved on from you haha (see other post lol), and to anyone who might stumble on this post (no one would 😂, which means I'm free and forever alone), you can volunteer as tribut my commenting. I might see it you know. Peace out.

P.S.I just feel like writing so...

Kuragehime coincides with my fantasies (some of them at least)

First, I don't believe in coincidences...but I do believe in fate...as in things happening because they mean something and also because they are destined to happen because...because of something definitely...something...

Confusing huh? Well, typical. I always am confusing or so humans say.

The thing is, there's this anime I only found out about a few weeks ago perhaps a couple of weeks ago and I was totally gut hooked (uhm too much doncha think?), or just hooked, since this certain anime is about a jellyfish geek shoujo who lives with other geeks, or as Kuranosuke-san calls them NEETs, in Amamizu-kan, who works as part-time illustrators of BL manga. (Hehe. :3)

 

The title? Kuragehime or literally Princess Jellyfish. (see up there! ^ )

Now the shocking addicting coincidence here is that I have this little thing with jellyfishes too. Okay not so little...but then I'm not as addicted as Tsukimi (the heroine) is, still it's just love to find a character who's gaga over jellyfishes. <3

Here is a snap of the girls in Amamizu-kan. :3

Starting from left is Banba (a train geek), Mayaya (Three Kingdoms geek), Tsukimi (jellyfish geek), Kuranosuke (aka Kurako, a crossdresser,, he's a damn hot guy!!!), Jiji (ojiisan geek), and Chieko (traditional Japan geek)

The reason for Tsukimi's addiction to jellyfishes is also a lot more dense than my own too. She's into them because her mother is into them, her mother is the one who made her see the beauty of jellyfishes while mine just stems out of my nickname, Tikya, which sounds like Dikya and which is jellyfish in Filipino, and so since then I'd grown attached to jellyfishes and realized their intense beauty. Yep! Tsukimi's okaasan is right, jellyfishes do resemble pretty dresses. Dresses neither Tsukimi nor I would ever wear maybe because we both acknowledge we won't really look good in them, but then she does look good in them, great-looking even. (P.S. Jellyfishes are amazingly kawaii too! X3)

 Yep! It's her on the right. Kirei da ne? Aaand Kuranosuke mo. Waaah! He's prettier than I'll ever be. *gloomy* Demo, pretty is pretty and love. Hehe. :3

Kawaaaaaaiiiiiiii deshou ne? ;D (got it here: http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/c/cd/Stingless_jellyfish.jpg)

And alsoTsukimi's name, written in Kanji is composed of moon (月) and sea (海) thus Tsukimi = 月海. Now jellyfish in Japanese is Kurage, written in Kanji it's 海月. See? You just switch the position of her name and you get jellyfish. Cool and cute ne? ne? Just like Tikya. Hohohohoh~ X3

Jellyfish aside, another thing I like about her, or the series is that in the first episode they showed her resembling Heidi and I, a kid who has been wishing since time immemorial to be Heidi, was just totally squealing with GLEE!!! It was just LOVE!!! And then I found myself already in love with the series and with her. :3

Heidi's life is my dream life except for the little addition that I want a library on top of the mountains filled with interesting books (which means a LOT of books, include the annually newly released ones please) and with a computer with unlimited storage and unlimited speed internet. And also a humungous fridge stacked with sweets (chocolates of course! though I wouldn't mind other sweets too) and chicken, fried if possible. And that is my definition of utter perpetual happiness. *__________*

(Although if I have to choose one...then the library would be the ultimate choice...no questions! :D)

 (P.S. Heidi's ojjichan too is a major factor. I want to have my own kind, lovable lolo. *sigh*)

(And now that I think about it, isn't Clara the blonde haired, handicapped girl? Ooooh kanojo ga suki da!)

Now going back to Kuragehime, the story too is heart-beat inducing. Almost every episode I had this weird urge to giggle and sigh repeatedly. (Well, not much of a feat since I am a weirdo romantic. Hehe. XD) Still the story is in itself exciting though kinda typical with rom-com shoujo genre anime. I mean,, imagine a crossdressing shounen and a megane shounen both having the hots for you?! Maa, maa...is that something to simply overlook?!?!?! X3

Haaawt!!! :P

BTW, this is him or rather he's sorta alter ego, Kurako-chaaan!

Serious-ly sexy~ ;D

And they're brothers! Can this get any better? Weeeh~ :3

Although unfortunately we get to meet a bitch too. A bitch who attempts to destroy Amamizu-kan and a bitch who is clingy to my megane shounen (Heh!), however the way their story was told is on it's own exciting and promising too. So I guess better chances for lovable Kuranosuke huh? ^_^V (Esp. since Tsukimi seems to be more into Shu (megane shounen) than Kuranosuke, or so she thinks. Hihihihih~ *___*)


And regarding bitchy-san, okay fine, Inari san and Shu-san, the part where Shu slapped her and hit her is just hilarious. Define switched roles. Haha! Anyway their roles are switched from the start, virgin Shu and Male christen-er Inari. Wahahaha!!! >XD

So I might be a bit of an esu-emu. X3

Adorable, really~ *insert super fangirl squeal here*

Meanwhile, Kuranosuke and Tsukimi's relationship borders more on it being kilig or twitterpated than outright, actual flirting like Shu and Inari's. Nonetheless, it's more promising that way, especially for a romantic. Kyaaa! :3

Some kilig clips here:

I died and went to heaven. X3

Just...just sweet. *sigh*

Both scenes though are totemo henteko (weird), since he's girlish in those kilig scenes, first clip he's wearing make-up so looks more like an okama-sama than a straight shounen, seond clip is out-rightly giving off a yuri-vibe. Hehe. X3


On the other hand, it's till cute, You just feel how much he likes her although he definitely does NOT understand it. Hah!

There, there... That is his lovely reaction right after he attempted to kiss Tsukimi on some weird impulse (his words not mine. :P). Hysterical. Poor, poor Kuranosuke. He has no idea the love bug bit him. Hard! Hohohohoh~ X3


Sore jaa... See why I fell hard for this series? Anyway, I do hope they make/release a second season soooon because this series is already some kind of drug to me. Hehe.


And, I guess I have to say that one reason why I lurve Arakwa Under the Bridge is because of the constant appearances of jellyfishes in the anime. Aside from the alien thing, I mean.


So there... Till next anime!!! Yaaaaahaaaaa!!! (Anyhoo, off to the manga muna.)


(And since when did I start blogging about anime? XD I used to just brood about them at the back of my mind, most especially when loopholes are in existence. That's anime and films and dramas alike.)


BTW, Kuragehime Wiki-link: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Princess_Jellyfish

Mata atode! Jaa!!! ^_^V *soldier salute*


P.S. Higashimura-san, make a season 2 puh-leeze?

Puh-leeze? :3

Gosick and Dantalian no Shoka (and me)

First allow me to say: Gosick is more freaking awesome!!! However, Dantalain no Shoka is also freaking good on its own.

Anyway, the point is just that DnS appears to be very much like G especially in terms of characters, I mean doesn't Dalian reminds you a lot of tsundere Victorique, that cute little girl who also happens to be a wise-ass not to mention an actual genius (and who also LOVES sweets a lot)? While Huey is like Kujo what with his huge patience with Dalian, and Camilla may not exactly be like Avril but then there are similarities...

Anyway, the general plot line is a lot similar. The two main characters, the hero and the heroine, almost always find themselves in certain cases that they are bound to fix and solve, only they do it in different ways: Victorique and Kujo are on detective modes while Dalian and Huey are like guardians of Phantom Books.

Also in both stories, the relationship between the two characters seems to develop awfully fast but I guess it must be due to the limited anime epi. time or something, but then to be honest, it doesn't really matter and the heck, I love it. Heh. :))

Anyhoo, Gosick's mysteries are a bit easy, especially the earlier ones (I must've seen too much of Detective Conan, I think, I mean since I'm saying that) though the drama part is just LOVE~ <3 ! I mean, I just cried during the battle scene of Cordelia and Victorique's father, what's-his-name. And cried again and again and again during the last few episodes, mainly episode 20-24. And dude, I cried and cried because of this line which is just too much for a stupid romantic-weirdo like me:

"No matter how the world changes, we'll never be separated again." - Victorique and Kujo

(How much of a crybaby will I get really? I mean it's been months(!!!) since I've watched it but the line and the memory of the story still manages to cause my eyes to get teary and all. -____-)

Dantalian no Shoka on the other hand, is just as lovely although it bothers me a lot that there are certain things not clearly explained. (Maybe there will be a second season. I hope.) Such as the white biblioprincess and the patch-eye one too and their Keykeepers. I especially hate the fact that they didn't elaborate much on the Libricide Officer (Hal right?) since he's kakkoii(!!!) not to mention HOT, totally.

(ne? ne? ne? :3)

Also, they didn't bother much to explain about the other Dalian, the pink-haired one, and it just pains me to think that it's with her that Huey is totally into, I mean sure they must be the same person or library or whatever but the thing is that part is ALL muddled, it's confusing. And also have I mentioned painful? Yes painful. Poor purple-haired Dalian. I like her better kasi, so there. :P

---

On the other hand, the other thing I love about both these stories is that I could relate with the two heroines, being hikikomori myself, and also being a book lover too, who'd rather spend her time surrounded by her beloved books, locked up in my room than socializing with humans (I mean it's just too much hard work to talk and introduce yourself to everyone you know, and then they almost always end up not understanding you neither your world.). And if given the chance, I'd pounce eagerly on said chance to live in Victorique's library surrounded by all those beautiful and I bet waaay interesting books. Heaven. =^_^=

Also, this clip in DnS epi.5, just breaks me down and makes me cry (again *sigh*) because it's too sweet and impossible. Heh. But still sweet.

Sweet right?

But then impossible, since no sane person would really bother "saving" the hikikomori bookworm from her perpetual alone-ness, be it self-imposed or not. (Well, prolly there is, just not anyone I know, so yeah, I'll remain forever alone, not that I mind, much.)

And pink-haired Dalian is right by the way, with her saying that the books certainly makes her feel all those feelings you experience in actuality. It's true, I mean, it's just the same. You feel the same things and much more because your imagination fuels your mind and before you know it you've experienced just the same maybe even much more than those who experienced those things in actuality. The power of books and imagination. The very reason why I fell in love with books and why I'll prolly never fall out of love.

---

Now going back to Gosick and Dantalian no Shoka, ALL I'm saying is that they're both great and have their own distinct qualities that definitely makes them stand out, and similarities which I guess are common especially since it's anime, so the stereotypes. But then Gosick is better because of the overall storyline which killed my poor little heart, while Dantalian no Shoka shows great promise of a good anime so a second season should be made already, like right NOW! ;3 And yeah, I prolly have to read the manga to quench my thirst...

A book-vampire. Heh. Or alien. Vampire alien? Whatever. :))

My Arakawa Under The Bridge Episode 200 realization

Uhm, so... is Arakawa Under The Bridge just Ko(aka Ric)'s dream? An elaborate fantasy borne out of his boredom from his "perfect" life, such that watching the circus presentation played out by it's fantastic set of casts, he was sucked into the said elaborate dream? Oh man. Bad Season 2. Makes me sad. -_________- Could be I'm just reading a lot out of the last episode...b-but...but...anything is possible. I hate episode 200.

I mean, why have episode 200: Applause for you, the ending episode end in such way? Why not just allow the perfectly happy ending presented by episode 199? Why???

Now I'm sad. Waaay sad. As you can see, I'm not exactly fond of such endings where I could glean a lot of twisted ideas, mostly masochistic, just to, well, hurt myself, I mean emotionally not physically.

It's just like Pan's Labyrinth, where I get to question the lead character(the little girl)'s perception on reality and the blurring lines of the fantastic world she had encountered or perhaps created, you know, in order to escape the grim reality she had been led to live in.

Geez. Reality sucks big time huh? The movie Inception too gave me that idea where I think in actuality it was Dom who remained trap in his own version of reality, meaning it must be that his wife is right or he was not really able to escape that dream-in-a-dream-in-a-dream world (you get the gist if you've seen the movie), hence in order to cope with it he just created a world in that dream in which he was trapped, and prolly will remain trapped for the rest of his life, and made it a place where he could live happily ever after with his kids. Back in his "safety" zone.

Crap. So where does that leave poor me? Poor, poor me? The me who can't stay put in the world of reality where pain exists in all corners, stalking me, waiting for the right time to prey on me and inflict pain, pain, pain... The me who is always seeking protection from my made-up dreams of a different world. Where does that leave me? I really hope I could escape too. Well, after all an alien could escape, right? I mean, I just have to find my spaceship right? In order to escape earth and all the hideous monsters (or humans) who plans to eliminate me and all. Right? Right. Yep, resolution resolved, I'm going to escape someday. Someday.

 Meanwhile, I'll just wallow in self-pity. As I wait for that spaceship to come pick me up.

http://metanorn.net/wp-content/uploads/2010/12/nino2-600x747.jpg

I should be hanged

Ohmigod. As in seriously Ohmigod.

I should be hanged. Or worse bitch slapped. Like someone should totally come up to me in public, brandish their steely palms and hit me with it in my cheeks!!!

I totally deserve that.

Why?

Well, because here I am still mooning over my crush who chose to friendzone me after I painfully carved my chest in order to show him my heart who beats his name (okay, fine. I just texted him that I like him, but still!!!), and how I sometimes go over the memories we shared together with me getting all teary-eyed especially when listening to a song (Lady Antebellum's Owned the Night is just AWESOME, 'nuff said) and then when I get real sad, as in REAL sad, I sorta blame him on how he sorta led me on, when it hit me (real hard may I say?) that perhaps the reason why he rejected me (and showing it by not even texting back 'hey I think of you just a friend' or whatever, anyway) is that he is actually totally in love with someone and they have this great relationship going on!!! (or, since well he's single I think that's what he said, he's totally also having a one-sided love going on with someone and that he really, really likes her. But fudge, this kind-of scenario reminds me of something that I don't wanna remember so I won't). And here I am trying to think of ways to make him mine (HAHA! just you know dreaming things up on how I'd show him my greatness, like hell yeah) or at least show him that it's his loss not mine (and this is what you get for reading too much romance novels, I know but they [romance novels] offer a kind-of escape from this world you know? Only geez, don't get me started on Twilight. I hate it. I'm more of a Cabot girl, and okay sometimes Nora Roberts and of course Nicholas Sparks! :D) or well just you know, things that would make me feel better. Anyway, as I was saying, I was moping around like that when I realize what a bitch I am (although seriously? I already know it's bitchy to act like you were oh-so-hurt and fooled when you weren't really. Fooled, I mean.) and I should be hanged. Really. For my selfishness, I mean.

God. What kind of friend am I? And I have the nerve to still consider him a friend. Wah!!! I am so so so going to bang my head a hundred thousand times on the wall for retribution.

That feeling...

when you know you've pushed too far and still pushing hard, insisting for something to happen though you know it won't. Not now. Perhaps not ever.

But why attempt to begin a relationship with someone when it appears you don't have plans to continue it?

So again, I know the mistake's mine. I insisted on something I thought was right. I messed everything up. But is it that hard for you to address it, address me and tell me that I don't matter or that you don't care?


I realized, that after these past weeks, more than you telling me that you still want me to be your friend, even just as a friend (because honestly I value our friendship more than I value my attraction for you), what I want is for you to just tell me something. Anything. Sounds desperate? Not really. I just want a signal coming from you so I'd be able to... I don't know, move on? Or just forget I ever met you. But I know I won't. You are that best friend I've always wanted. That is, you were.

Lyin' here with you so close to me

It's hard to fight these feelings when it feels so hard to breathe

I'm caught up in this moment, caught up in your smile

And now I keep praying I could turn back time and go back. Go back. Go back. And wished I had held back. I would have been happier not knowing this feeling. But then, I was happy when I was with you.


Stupid one-sided feeling. Stupid wishes. Stupid dreams. Stupid me. I told you, happy-endings ain't for everyone, at least not for me.

Just a shot in the dark that you just might

Be the one I've been waiting for my whole life

So baby, I'm alright with just a kiss goodnight

More than a shot in the dark, I thought you'd be lighting my path in the dark. But you wouldn't.

And more than a kiss goodnight, all I wanted is for you not to say goodbye. But you did. 

No, I don't want to say goodnight (goodbye)

I know it's time to leave

But you'll be in my dreams

Tonight, tonight, tonight

Problems of a matchmaker

Okay, so I got these two friends.

Well, the guy's not really a "friend" but more like a likable person I know (since we're not exactly close).

Anyway, so my girl friend and I were there standing in line waiting to be let in inside le fair. And I saw my guy classmate in one of my classes this sem. So I greeted him.

I introduced them.

They shook hands.

http://edaconnections.files.wordpress.com/2011/02/business-people-shaking-hands.jpg

Personally, I thought it was sweet.

Like in the movies.

I thought they're gonna be my newest perfect match. (Hell yeah! I'm a matchmaker. A good one. It's just that good matchmakers aren't exactly good with their own love lives, or the lack of it. XD)

Anyway, so there I was, I've been dreaming of the day that I can introduce them to each other because it just makes a lot of sense (for me at least), and I was effin' happy when, by chance!, they met.

We spent the fair sorta together at the start. And spent another day sorta together again. It was fun. And the thing is I was really ecstatic. I thought she's gonna be able to forget her scumbag ex. Finally.

But... She told me, while I was waiting for my parents to come fetch me, that...

"I'm not interested."

Wah! Dreams destroyed.

And the sad thing is, I really think he's an awesome guy. For gosh sakes, he's a gamer and gamers are COOL people (my brudder is. Although I'm especially careful not to tell him that). He is also an introvert (like me and her, I guess that's why we sorta clicked together). He likes music (and not trash music!). He is sorta into anime (people who are into anime are awesome, right?!). He does not cringe when we talk about おたく　ふ女子 stuff (most guys I know, most especially my brudder dear, are especially sensitive to such topics). And he's nice. I think he's got a lot in common with her. But why is she not giving him the chance? Why?

Geez.

I hope he contacts me and asks me for help in pursuing her. I'd love him if he'd do just that. :D

P.S. And he's funny. The mud ice cream prank he did yesterday reminds me of my childhood and my childhood buddies. Do I like him? Fudge yeah. Who could not like such cool guy? But why doesn't she? Pfft. I knew it. Scumbag ex of hers. -____- Hehe.

B-kun, Oo Torete ako sayo. May reklamo?

So you're here in my mind.

Again. For the nth time.

Can I ask you to leave me? Even just for a teensy eensy weensy bit of moment? 'Cause I can't think straight. Thanks to you.

But don't worry dear. I'm not mad.

It's just that the knowledge of not being able to see you anymore. Or not knowing whether I'll ever see you and talk to you like before, well, it kills me. Okay, honestly? It makes me crazy.

But it's okay. I know I'll be okay. Soon. Hopefully.

The funny thing is that I wrote you a letter yesterday, a long one. But of course I know I'll never have the courage to actually send it to you. 'Cause, well, you might reject me. And I know that'll hurt like hell. Been there. Felt that.

Only, I know that this time, this time if I confess my feelings to you, and if you reject me (what am I saying I know you will, 'cause I know you only see me as a friend right?), when you reject me I know I'll be having a hard time trying to pick myself up.

Why? Because based from my past two heart aches, it's you who fits perfectly with the image I have of my dream boy. Well, not perfectly I see that now, because you're not staying.

The latest heart ache was two years ago. Occurred at the same time as my soul-searching mode in acads. It was a hell-like experience. Not because of him, my senpai crush, but more because of the lack of having someone to confide to regarding my decisions in life. Nonetheless, God saved me so here I am. (Why am I telling this to you? As if you're gonna find and read this no?)

I want you to know how much I actually like you

Maybe I'm telling this because I want you to know how much I actually like you, which is stupid since we've only known each other for a short period of time. A couple of months? Less even.

But have you ever felt that feeling that you've known someone for a long time already? That's the way I felt when I found you sitting beside me on the beach. I turned around to talk to our group mate and it's you I found sitting there. Why did you ever sit beside me? Why did you talk to me as if you and I are friends? We barely even talk the day before. Well, we held hands. I remember that.

that feeling that you've known someone for a long time already?

Haven't I warned you enough that I'm weird? That I'm an alien? And that I'm a hopeless Romantic? You should have listened. Then you might have spared my feelings. I know it's my fault for assuming too much but are you really blameless? Not that I'm blaming you really.

Forgive me.

For assuming. For falling for you.

And it so happens that you're the first actual guy I fell for after two years of building all those barriers and obstructions around me as to avoid, well, feeling like this. Actual because all the other guys I gushed on were celebs or characters in stories. I'm thinking I shouldn't have met you.

And you shouldn't have been like one of those characters I like. You should have known. But I'm not blaming you remember that.

And maybe I'm telling you all of this because I miss talking to you. There are still tons of things I wanted to tell you. But now you've left.

Remember that day too when you confided in me about your problems? I'm wondering why you did. It's not as if we're already close then. I mean, are you the kind of person who share his problem to random people? People you feel close to? People you trust? Person you like? (Oooppps.) Or am I really just the kind of person a lot of people feel easy to confide in? (I mean I'm my friends' counselor after all. A lot of people, even those I'm not close to, just feel easy around me hence they tell me their problems and actually listen to my advice.) Maybe that's just that no? And I'm just assuming a lot.

And now I'm feeling the pain for my stupidity. And wondering why I don't just tell you out loud what I feel. If only...

If you only knew how many times I wanted to cry out and ask for your hand to pull me up when we climbed that monstrous mountain. If you only knew how much I wanted to strangle a certain classmate because she's so pretty and my antennae is telling me (yes, I'm an alien right? I have an antennae that detects people's emotions. So there.) that she likes you and somehow you seem to like her back; and I can't compete with her because she's so pretty, and she's girly, while I'm this boyish kiddo who wears big clothes and who is small. (You always tease me that I'm poor little me. I'll admit that I miss you teasing me like that.) And if you only knew how much I wanted our picture taken together at the summit, but I didn't, for fear of being teased, for fear of you rejecting the idea, for fear of you finding out what I feel for you. I avoided talking much to you when we climbed that mountain. And I tried avoiding these feelings. Apparently, mahirap pala. Before I could avoid this kind of feeling, but I guess that was before I met you no?

If you only knew how much I wanted to hug when you were having the chills on the way home.

Before I could avoid this kind of feeling, but I guess that was before I met you no?

If you only knew that I wanted to volunteer myself in fulfilling your wish of a happy family.

Don't worry though, I won't force myself to you. That's why I'm writing this. That's why I'm repeatedly listening to Torete so I'll be reminded of my position in your life. Which is non-existent.

I told you that I find it hard to work on anything especially a story with a group right? I haven't been fully honest, because I wanted to add this:

But I'm willing to write a story about us with you. I'm willing to write and complete a story with you.

See how Torete I am about you?

I hope you'll stumble into this and read this. So that I'll know that I've successfully, for the first time, confessed to the first guy who I unashamedly written a lot of poems about.

DBSK forever in my heart

Call me a crazy, obsessed fangirl. Maybe, indeed, I am. But it doesn't matter. What matters is that I love them. Yeah, you heard me right. I love them. I love DBSK.

Yesterday I bought my copy of MYX Mag The K-Pop Edition. I've been ransacking all bookstores I know since Tuesday trying to look for it. I failed. But yesterday, while I was busy doing my mother's groceries, I saw it. I saw it. And I almost squealed with delight. Almost.

A lucky day.

I bought it and started reading. Although I know the pages tributed for TVXQ would be few (very few, indeed, I found out later, only 2 freaking pages, but well, it's worth it), I still dread the article about them. Considering the fact that they are undergoing the biggest storm in their career (hehe, storm, I like that word a lot, I'm an Arashi fangirl too, mind you).

But I liked the article a lot. Especially the first few lines:

When we speak of the talented boy bands from Korea, there is one group that definitely comes to the mind of a true K-Pop follower. This is TVXQ---

True enough.

It's like you're the dumbest person alive if you claim to be an avid K-Pop lover yet not know about the existence of the gods.

They're the best. They're it. That's why everyone who claims to love K-Pop should know them. That's why most true blue K-Pop lovers adore them. And that's why I love them.

Anyway, the article, though not that touchy-feely puts me to tears.

I was literally crying bucketsful of tears.

Dang, I miss them. I miss reading news about the five of them together. I miss their laugh. Their jokes. And just about everything that concerns them.

God, I miss the five of them so much.

That is why, being the sensitive person that I am, I've written a poem for them. It's a weird poem though. I write stuff about people and things when I want to because I feel a strong need to do so but it is always accompanied with indifference (even just a dash of indifference), but this poem is different. It's all about my feelings about the five of them. All about the love I have for them. (Yes, I love Arashi as much, but please, allow me to offer this for DBSK, just DBSK.)

After being lost in touch with my blog for a month or two, here I am again, back with a broken heart. (haha!) Honestly.

All I can offer

(Don't wanna see you cry)

I don't want to lose you

Not now, not ever

I don't want to see too

the five of you not together

I don't want to hear your cries

Don't want to see your tears

I don't want you to tell me lies

while you're alone facing your fears

Your tears breaks my heart

Your cries kills me

You already are a part

of my life, can't you see?

I will cry for you, yes I will

I'll do it to spare you the pain

So please don't cry, don't make me feel

As if I can't shield you from the rain

Suki da, Te amo, I love you

You've been my gods, my guide

Listen, please, Saranghaeyo

Now, today, no matter what, forever by your side

I love them.

Honto ni.

Ta-ta for now. I'm on the brink of tears yet again. *sigh*

P.S. Thaaanks a lot MYX Mag!

Writing for me

http://artslink.files.wordpress.com/2009/05/writing-center.jpg

I can't imagine life without books, papers, pens, pencils and my beloved PC.

Fiiineee, honestly, I can imagine it, but I don't like it all the same.

Life without being able to put into words what you are currently feeling is life without being able to feel. A robot's life. A statue's life.

I can't live a life like that. I'd rather die.

Talk about death.

Fine, fine, fine. I'm not supposed to talk about death. I know.

Going back, writing according to this is considered as the representation of language in a textual medium through the use of a set of signs or symbols. A representation of language that is. Also, an extension of human language across time and space. The way were history could be passed through aside from telling through the use of spoken language.

There is a long history about writing. Different informations about it. Different ways on how it was done through time. Different ways of writing depending on a person's culture and country.

Writing is essential to history. It is essential to man for many reasons known to man. And I, too, believe in those given reasons.

But in simpler words, writing, for me, is as important as breathing.

That simple yet, that complex.

Coincidents?

Dumb me.

I accidentally deleted my Weird 101 blog. Thankfully, I saved a copy of it.

It's one of my loved piece since I wrote it while lost in thought.

How coincidental.

I accidentally deleted it while lost in thought too.

Freaky.

Weird 101

Picture this: 1:11 am na. Gising pa 'ko. Nakaharap sa computer habang umiinom ng medyo mainit na tsokolate. Astig 'no? 1:11 am. Tadhana.

Hindi ko alam kung naniniwala ba 'ko sa tadhana. Siguro oo. Ganoon 'ata talaga pag romantic kang tao. Hopeless romantic sabi ng mga kaibigan ko. Paano ba ako naging romantic? Siguro kasi masyadong exaggerated ang mga kwentong naiisip ko. Pati paraan ng pagsusulat ko mabulaklak. Mas madali kong na-e-express ang sarili ko sa wikang Inlgles. Feeling ko mas magaling ako magsulat pag English ang gamit ko. Feeling ko lang naman 'yun.

Kanina pa tulog sila mama at papa. Gusto ko na rin matulog pero hindi ako inaantok. Ang labo. Bakit ko ba nabanggit 'yon? Kasi sabi ng utak ko, pagod na 'ko matulog ka na, pero may sariling pag-iisip ang mga kamay ko. Patuloy itong pumipindot sa mga letra dito sa keyboard. Teka, pagandahin natin 'yung huli kong sinabi. Revised: Ngunit nawalan na ako ng kontrol sa sarili kong mga kamay. Ayaw na nito makinig sa akin. Patuloy pa rin ito sa pagtipa sa bawat letrang natatagpuan nito sa keyboard. Ano ba ang Tagalog ng keyboard?

Naisip ko lang 'no? Bakit ba natutulog ang mga tao? Para makapag-pahinga? Mabawi ang lakas nila? Maliban doon? Sa tingin ko, ang pag-tulog ay ang paraan nating mga tao para panandaliang makatakas sa mga problemang dala ng buhay na kailangan nating harapin 'pag tayo ay gising. Kaya masarap matulog. Kasi natatakasan natin sila. Silang mga sagabal sa ating mga plano. Silang mga kadalasa'y umuubos ng ating panahon.

Gusto ko ng matulog.

Pero hindi pa rin ako inaantok eh.

Bukas din 'yung Facebook account ko. Tinitingnan ko kung may kaibigan akong pwedeng daldalin. Kaso wala. Merong online pero hindi ko naman sila ganoon ka-close. Ayan, nag-se-senti na 'ko. Na-mi-miss ko na ang mg kaibigan ko. Oo nga pala. Dinalaw ako ng BFF kong si Joribel kanina. Biglaang dalaw na nauwi sa biglaang lakwacha. Nakakatuwa. Mag-a-alas-otso na siya dumating. Umalis s'ya ng 8:15, sumama ako para ihatid siya sa may kanto at bumili na rin ng chicharong balat ng manok. Pero inabot kami ng halos isang oras sa daan ka-kadaldal. Nakakatuwa. Kailan ko kaya uli makikita na buo ang ang barkada namin? 'Yung GROSSBOMB. :)
Nabanggit ko 'yung Facebook kasi balak ko ipost ito as a "note" doon. Haha.

Wala naman akong sinasabing matino. Sinusulat/tina-type daw pala. Sarcastic na utak. Epal. T.T

Weird. Magulo. Fine. Magulo na kung magulo. Ganoon ako eh. May magagawa pa ba 'ko? Mas komportable ako maging magulo at malabo. Mas masaya 'pag ganoon.

Weirdo. 'Yun yung tawag sa akin ng mga ka-klase ko nung elementary at high school, pati ng mga kapit-bahay namin. Ayaw na ayaw kong tinatawag na weirdo noon. Am'pangit ng dating sakin. Para akong sinasabihan na abnormal. Siguro iba at hindi normal (para sa iba sa kanila) yung makipag-usap sa sarili habang nag-lalakad o kaya mag-sulat ng kung anu-ano o kaya mag-basa forever o kaya mag-isa at hindi makihalubilo. Sa akin hindi eh. Ganoon yung trip ko. Bata pa lang, ayoko ng lumalabas ng bahay. Sapat na yung maglalaro ako sa isang sulok at sisigaw ng Darna! pag gusto ko. O kaya damputin yung mga libro ng kuya ko na kaya ko ng basahin at babasahin ko ng paulit-ulit. Saka mas trip ko makipag-usap kay Barbie kaysa sa mga ka-edad ko noon. Wala naman kasi silang matinong sinasabi. Boring sila para sa akin.

Weirdo. Ngayon, tanggap ko na na weirdo nga ako. Natutunan kong tanggapin ang pagka-weirdo ko nung magsimula akong ma-inlab sa mga libro. Grade three 'yun. Matagal na kong mahilig mag-basa pero minahal ko ang mga libro nung Gr.3 ako. Nung ma-inlab ako sa kanila, marami akong nakilala. Iba't-ibang tauhan, lugar, at mga bagay. 'Yung mga tauhan na bida sa mga aklat ay madalas na kapareho ko ng ugali. Weirdo sila. Magulo. Malabo. Kaka-iba. Distinct. Mula noon, ang buhay para sa akin ay parang isang kwento na lang na aking isinusulat. (Balang araw isusulat ko ang kwento ng buhay ko.) At mula din noon, natuwa ako na weird ako. I'm proud to be weird. Weirdo nga ako.

Syempre, may tumutuya. Pinag-tatawanan ako. O kaya sinasabihan akong magpakatino o umayos. Eh wala naman akong ginagawang mali o against sa batas. Loko pala sila eh. Pasunurin daw ba ako sa Status Quo nila? ASA!

Mayroon pang nagrereklamo sa mama ko. Bakit daw ako nakayuko lagi. Bakit daw nagbabasa lagi. Bakit daw nagsasalita mag-isa. Bakit daw ganito. Bakit daw ganyan. Bakit, bakit, bakit. Tanong ko lang 'no: Bakit ako lagi nakikita ninyo? Kasalanan ko senyo?

Ang dami ko 'atang sentmiyento sa buhay ano?

Hindi naman masyado. Keribels lang. Kaya pa teh. Pero gusto ko lang lumigaya. Oo, masaya ako pero maligaya? Ewan. Senti ulit. Gabi kasi eh. Tahimik. Malungkot. Malungkot ba 'ko? Ngayon, siguro oo. Bukas hindi na. May magugulo na naman ako eh. May mapag-ti-tripan. Sasaya na naman. Tatawa. Pero hindi magiging maligaya.

Napakalalim na salita. Maligaya. Mararanasan ko kaya iyon? 'Kala mo ang tanda ko na 'no? 18 years old teh. Certified isip-bata, pero Lola at taga-payo ng barkada. Dahil sa libro. Natuto akong makipag-deal sa mga moral problems ko at ng iba dahil sa libro. Lahat dahil sa libro.
Patalon-talon na ang usapang ito. Wala ng kwenta.

Matutulog na ko.

Susubukan ko na lang ipaliwanag at linawin kung ano mang mga pinag-susulat ko dito. Pero madali lang ito intindihin. Kung weirdo ka - gaya ko.

Crap! Walang title.

Weirdo 101. Sabi ni utak. Fine sabi ni kamay. Parang subject lang eh. Hopefully, hindi. Baka maging weirdo yung makakabasa nito. Kawawa naman.

Hala, sige, goodnight!

Me babasahin pa kong libro eh. Hindi pa 'ko matutulog. Sumasakit lang yung mata ko sa kakatitig kay monitor. Tapo magbabasa ako eh 'no? Tanga lang eh. :))

- Kamay ni TikyaFeb. 6, 20102:00 AM
Hontoni? Halos isang oras ko pala itong isunulat. Chineck ko pa yung Tagalog grammar ko. Baka mail. Haha! May pagka-bobo kasi ako sa Filipino. Oo nga pala. Filipino, hindi Tagalog.

- Utak ni TikyaFeb. 6, 20102:07 AM

P.S. 7 ang paborito kong numero. :D

Ticktock

Time is of essence.

She told me to buy tomatoes, so I went. While I was walking I saw this dirty kitten near the veggie stall. I pitied the kitten but I know I couldn’t do anything about it. So I simply ignored the little thing.

After paying for the stuff I bought, I turned around and saw the kitten trying to cross the street as a car, a blue van I think, approached, then just like in the movies everything moved in slow motion, I saw the kitten’s tail, I contemplated if I could pull it back to safety without butchering it (just in case the van already had it under its wheels), I could still remember how scared I was as I saw the van approaching fast and I knew I don’t have the time (or maybe just scared to take advantage of time), I could only hope the kitten would move fast enough such that it could avoid the monster wheels, or that I could stop the time, even just for a few seconds.

The poor thing died. Right in front of my eyes. I saw the monster wheels run over the kitten’s neck. Saw how the kitten’s neck was opened a little. Saw it writhe. Saw some of its guts sprouting. Saw the van continue its journey, as if it hadn’t felt the small bump it crossed. And killed.

And all I could do was to shout (not even a loud one).

Then I walked away.

I walked away but I could still picture the writhing, dying figure of the kitten. I could almost hear its plea for me to help it or to just give it a proper burial. And I could almost feel the icy glare someone might be giving me. I’m such a hypocrite.

Crying but leaving.

Such a hypocrite.

And now I have the nerve to write about it. As if I was the victim. As if I was the poor one who was so unlucky to see such kind of death. As if I didn’t deserve to see it and to shake in misery. As if that kitten’s death happened to be only a topic I have to write about. But see, I have no choice.

I have to write about it. I have to spend this few minutes, just this few minutes, to write about it. I have to do this in honor of that kitten. For that kitten I failed to save, I failed to help. What choice do I have? This place I live in is a bustling place. No place for me to bring that kitten, no place for me to bury that kitten. Am I trying to convince myself that I left that kitten in better hands, in Mother Nature’s hands? Moreover, even if I was able to save that kitten, I still wouldn’t be able to protect it, I still have to leave it prowling the streets alone, and maybe leave it, only to suffer more. Still, I know that all of these are my lame excuses. My excuses to lessen the guilt I am feeling now. To ease the burden.

The burden I deserve to feel.

I wish I could turn back the time. I wish I could stop the time. But I couldn’t and what happened already happened. I could only regret.

Time will come that I will forget the incident about the kitten I failed to save. Still for now, I want to write about it. To help me cope with it. To help me think that in some way I succeeded in saving that kitten, even just in memory. And to help me remember.

To help me remember that there came a time in my life that I failed to make good use of the little time Fate has given me.

How I failed to use the few ticktocks of the clock, time made me see and feel.

Stench of Beer

Tonight, my brother came home drunk, no, I’ll correct that: he was brought home drunk. He was very drunk and the stench of beer coming from his mouth was more than enough to make my stomach churn and make me vomit myself. (For the record, it was his first time; Papa said it certainly won’t be his last.)

Drinking alcohol, to the point of drowning yourself in it, is the last thing that I would ever do in my whole life. I swear.

I love being in control. Well, at least in control of some things that I know I could. Achieving awards, good grades, passing my favorite subjects with high marks, even failing some subjects I’m growing tired of pondering about, all those things I could control; and I love the feeling of being in control of them. I love the feeling of being a puppet master. Moreover, if given the chance, I would definitely love to be in control of my feelings, not only would it result to good decision making, it would also lessen the pain I have to bear.

Going back to being drunk, why did I swear that I would never do that? Three reasons.

First, as I said I love to be in control. When you’re drunk, you lose all control, you find it hard to stand, you vomit endlessly, you talk garbage or you tell things which you are not supposed to share with anyone (which could totally mess up your life) and you do weird things which you normally would not (or never) do. Second, you become a burden to the people you live with, they have to follow after you to clean up your mess and to make it sure that you’re not putting yourself in any danger (thus, I think it’s okay to get drunk if your living alone, such that whatever happens to you will be your own fault). And lastly, the stench of beer sucks, most especially the stench of vomited beer. It totally sucks. (Sorry for the word but I don’t have any other adjective to describe the smell of beer clinging to my nose).

Anyway, moral lesson here is: please be careful not to get drunk. You could drink all the beer you want, you could drown yourself in it, but never let it take over you. You, a human being complete with a functional brain, should, moreover must, be the one controlling that smelly liquid, not you being the controlled one. Maybe, getting drunk once is forgivable, twice is tolerable, but thrice, four times, even five? That’s stupid (to the nth level). Completely unforgivable.

You can’t let that smelly liquid take over your life. If you think about it, how could you allow that liquid dictate your actions? Thoroughly a dim-witted person’s thing to do.

My brother really became a bother to our household tonight. Aside from thrashing vomit around the place, he reeks of beer. As for me, I’ll never do that. I’ll never succumb to that smelly liquid. I never will reek of the stench of beer.

The Crush List

Okay, I’m flipping out. I’m totally flipping out!

Hear me?

But then, why I am flipping out, one might ask.

Simple. I have read again another book about a certain love story where girl-gets-perfect-soulmate and I’m flipping out. Ridiculous, huh?

It’s just not fair. It’s just not very fair! Hence, it is soooo unfair for female protagonists to end up with the one they love and like and be happy about it for, like, forever. Why do they have to be happy? Why? Plus why does it have to be forever?

Heck, I’m whining about a book. Again. *sigh*

I’m a teen, an 18-year old at that. And I don’t have a life. Ugh! (not that I wanted to be involved or anything now, but I would looovee it if by some miracle Kim Na Gil, Lee Seung Hyo, Youngwoong Jaejoong or most especially Jun Matsumoto finally realizes that I’m the woman of their dreams. *wink wink*)

Oh well, I do too, in a way, I realize.

I have a hundreds of crushes, most of them celebs and book/movie/anime characters, and am now obsessing over an almost 30-year old Korean actor (who is really hot! And when I say HOT! With an exclamation point, I mean HOT! With an exclamation point and is in caps lock at that. *drools*)

Picture how I practically am drooling just thinking about him? Major yuck, huh?

Anyhoo, what I am saying is that why is it that life doesn’t work the way it does in books? Why does life have to be a major pain? Especially when it comes to me who’s looking for her akai ito?

Why can’t I have a more adventurous, comedic love life? Aaahh! The dreams of a writer. Dreams of finding the perfect one only a written work of art from an author’s heart could only produce.

I like those guys above because they all played Mr. Perfect in some of their movies and they just fit the part perfectly that it’s a shame not to consider that they might, slight chance that might may be but still might, be exactly the same way in real life.

I wish.

Aaargghhh. I should stop reading books and watching movies or anime. They’re corrupting my already deranged imagination. Deranged from making up what Mr. Soulmate should be like. Plus why do I have to be a writer myself? It’s making me insane! Nuts! Looney! A deranged, looney-balooney, nutcase writer. Aaaaaaggghhhh!

I’ll post my crushes (the celeb and anime ones) pics here. In my whole eighteen years, one hundred three days, fifteen hours and forty minutes of living. (let’s not count the seconds.)

The Crush List

Dennis of Ghost Fighter

He’s my first ever crush. I maybe 6 or 7 that time. And I really like him. His ability and his looks are something. *laughs*

Inuyasha of Inuyasha

He’s a grade 5 crush. It’s the coolest anime that time and I’m so into it. I really love him and Kagome’s love-hate relationship. I’m so addicted to it; I had posters of the anime covering my wall. J

Naruto Uzumaki of Naruto

Everyone loves his personality, his principle, and his cat-like looks (I think, it’s cat-like). He’s cute, man! =)) I’m in highschool then, he’s my first crush in Naruto.

Sasuke Uchiha of Naruto

He’s brooding and dark aura makes me like him. He’s cool. I first hate him though, but, oh well, nothing vould make you really hate Sasuke forever, okay?

Neji Hyuuga of Naruto

He’s also cool. My third crush. I also hated his guts especially since he taunts Naruto’s abilities, but I came to love him after the Sasuke kidnapping incident, where he fought with the Spider guy. I hate that guy for hurting my Neji. (Heh-heh-heh. XP)

Rei Kon of Bey Blade

I like him. He is cute, okay?

Lee Syaoran of Cardcaptor Sakura

His character really is the perfect boy. He’s just every Grade school-ers dream boy. J

Tamaki Ricard de Grandtaine of Ouran High School Host Club

He’s the “mother” of the host club. He’s stupid, funny, and dense but he’s sweet.

Natsume Hyuuga of Gakuen Alice

He is also a brooding type. He is a smug, shown to think highly of himself, but caring deep down type of boy. I also love the way he and Mikan’s love story enfolds.

Jun Matsomoto of Arashi (as Shin Sawada of Gokusen (and anywhere else))

I love the character he played in Gokusen. Then I love him as an Arashi member. In Gokusen he’s cool, distant, the brooding type yet lovable. *sigh*(Waaah! I’m hyperventilating. *grins*) I never missed an episode of Gokusen because of him, well actually I did once and I cried my eyes out until I’ve seen the ep. in Youtube. XD

And darn it. I love his group Arashi as well. :D

Rain as Justin of Full House (and as a hot dancer)

He’s a good actor, a hot, sexy, talented dancer, and everyone loves him. And so do I. J

On Ju Wan as Il Jeong of My Mighty Princess

He looks a lot like Rain. But different personalities (the way I see it). And the way he plays the male protagonist/antagonist, best friend and secretly crushing on the lead character is astounding. The last battle scene puts me to tears for about a month and every time I remember it. J

Lee Seung Hyo as Alcheon of Queen Seon Deok

I’m one of those who love Queen SD. Moreover, not only do I love the story but I love this guy as well. His character doesn’t stand out. He’s a Royal Palace Guard who has his principles intact whatever happens. Plus he’s cute. (=P) Anyhoo, I researched about him after falling for him as Alcheon and though he’s not that famous, I like him still.

Kim Nam Gil as Bidam of Queen Seon Deok

The guy I’m currently drooling over. He’s cute! Also I love his character as Bidam, mysterious and daunting at times. He makes me think that he’s an MPD case (hehe) but I love it all the same. He’s bad, and then he’s good. He smiles when in bad mood and his smile is something I would love to stare at and drool over for the rest of my life. (HAHA!) He really has this scary yet cute grin. I also love his moves in Queen SD.

Youngwoong Jaejoong of DBSK

A singer, dancer and actor, all in one. Plus he’s pretty, I mean, handsome. DBSK is a Korean boy band filled with 5 yummy, sexy, hot, talented boys who's got the whole of Asian girls screaming their heads off (no kidding). And, I think, JJ happens to be the pseudo-leader, the one with the most beautiful singing voice and the pretty boy of the group. Girls might want to throw their undies at him (hehe, I won’t do it don’t worry). That’s how pretty or handsome he is. Another thing, I like boys who don’t cry in public. (‘cause I don’t too.)

THE MOST IMPORTANT OF THEM ALL (though that’s not ALL of them, I’m trying to remember my other crushes, but this guy is the most important, okay?!)

Jackie Chan

He is my most loved, most adored, most admired, most idolized, most crush of them all!

Why? Because of all the movies he’d made (and his characters in them), his “The Moves”, his bubbly personality and his as himself (if you’re a fan, you’ll know what I’m blabbering about).

He’s my all-time idol. And I would love to be his daughter, or if I only happen to be older, his wife. (hehehe) That’s how much I adore him. *puppy eyes*

There goes my list, it’s not yet finished, mind you. I forgot some of my crushes’ name but I’m trying to remember okay?

So what’s the point of this whining? Nada. Zip. None.

Oh well, there is, actually. I just wanna say that why is it that there are so many prospect Mr. Soulmate in this world but all of them happens to be a made up character, an actor from somewhere out there, totally out of my reach, someone way, way, waaaayyyy older than me, and someone I’ll never ever really have?

Why? Why?

And then, I happen to always stumble upon books telling about guys who were soooo good you just wished they were yours. *sigh*